Today, I've been single for exactly two months. And I have to say, I'm really enjoying it.

It's got its downsides, such as:

1) Not having decent sex with someone you love available 24/7
2) Not having someone to cuddle when you're feeling down
3) Not having a companion to dine with/do things with

But on the other hand, it has many plus sides, such as:

1) Not having to worry about someone else and being able to do what you want
2) Having a bed to myself
3) Coming off the pill and not worrying about forgetting to take it

And personally, for me:
4) Not feeling guilty about fancying the gorgeous M at work.

I mentioned M yesterday. He, J and A are my favourite people at work. I've had a crush on M almost as long as I started my job, which has been almost a year now. Yes, even before my relationship ended with O, guiltily, M was a happy but pleasurable little fantasy that I kept all to myself.

In fairness, it was M who started it. I didn't like him at first - he'd made a bit of a mean comment when I didn't want to drive to a work do on a motorway, as I started working just after I'd passed my test and was still a little nervous about driving to places I didn't know (I still am). However, one particularly rainy day I strolled into work as per usual, not wearing anything particularly stunning (I believe it was a black top and jeans), and he called me "glamorous". Glamorous! That's not a comment you hear everyday!

And so, my guilty pleasure started. I swore to myself that if I was ever single, M would be in serious trouble...

I believe that even if you're in a happy relationship, you don't stop thinking, even if it's only for a split second, about other people. I think it's perfectly healthy to have a crush on someone else whilst you have a long term relationship. I believe it spices up the relationship, as you're sticking with your other half, even though other options are tempting and available. But you still feel guilty about fancying someone else. It's the age-old catch 22 dilemma which goes as follows: In a relationship, you dream about being single, and when you're single, you dream about being in a relationship.

My other theory is something I've noticed about myself - I don't know if it's universal, but generally, I start to fancy someone a lot more if they've shown/hinted/told me that they've fancied me. Perhaps that's what happened with M...

The reason I say this, is that he's not my usual type. We have very little in common, he can be very ungentlemanly, and conversation doesn't flow that easily. However, he's shown me interest, albeit in mixed signal form. I've had him asking me whether I thought he was sexy, the usual can't-look-each-other-in-the-eye sparks and some really sexy smiles, he paid me a genuine compliment about my writing efforts, which meant a lot to me, and he listens to what I have to say, and brings it up in conversation later, which is a talent I rarely find in a man! Unfortunately, I've also had him barging me out the way, not replying in the rare moments where I've had the guts to text him, and slamming doors in my face. And, in what appears to define any relationship these days, when I changed my Facebook status to "it's complicated" after breaking up with O, he changed his from "single" to hidden. Typical.

My theory is that M did once fancy me, but for whatever reason, decided against it. Maybe it was because I was with O, who knows? I'm beginning not to care anymore, as over the past month, I've been slowly going off M, for the mixed signals and the reasons I've already stated. The guy is seriously hot, but that's it, and I started to see some form of sense. And highly unfortunately for me, he announced on Friday that he was going for dinner. With his girlfriend. He didn't seem particularly keen to give away this information, but luckily it was A who asked, not me. I was pretty dismayed - it was the first any of us had heard about this. I'm just glad he didn't get this girlfriend when I was at the height of my passion for him - I think I would have had a breakdown! I'm not a bad girl - I would never steal someone's boyfriend, so my feelings for M have come to an abrupt halt since the announcement (like the artist in Love Actually who decides enough's enough after telling Keira Knightley's character that he loves her, even though she's married to his best friend). Maybe they will break up - I'm not going to be waiting around for him, that's for sure. It would drive me, and probably M, crazy. It's time to move on and work on getting to know him better as a friend and workmate, just the same as I'm getting to know J and A better. Now I'm not shy of talking to M and can actually look him in the eyes without blushing, it should be a lot easier to talk to him and get to know him - isn't that always the case once you know you don't fancy someone?

But that news has left me with a new dilemma - the fact that I do not fancy anyone else. I can honestly say at this particular moment, there's no one I truly fancy. This sucks, as it means that fantasy-related material is scarce. If I'm feeling horny and want to come, who do I think of now?! What is going on?!

My eyes have started to wander to search for a new object of private affection to fill the space which M left. My other workmate, A, has a confident quirk about him which I do find vaguely attractive, he's great fun, and we flirt on a just-friends basis (i.e. it's easy to flirt with him as nothing will ever happen, unlike the difficultly I had flirting with M) but unfortunately, in general, I don't find him that attractive, plus he knows O.. It would be weird. However, he's crept into my head quite a lot recently. My head's telling me "What are you doing? You don't fancy A!" whilst my body's crying out for him. I've got a similar situation going with another workmate, T. He's the nicest guy ever, and a relationship on paper looks perfect. But I don't fancy him, and don't think I ever could. Even though he's not popping into my head as much as A, he's trying to.

Nehoo, enough about fantasies. Perhaps I'm just horny. I'm generally a "highly charged" person, shall we say... I'm most definitely confused. I think my mind is highlighting guys who are so completely different from O. It would explain why I fancied M, someone who I had pretty much nothing in common with, so much. M's an active guy, O was the laziest person ever. Not bothered about anything.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to date yet, either. One half of me is saying "Yeah, looks like fun!" but I'd like to stay single for a while, and dating always has the danger of finding someone you like and entering a relationship again. I don't want to go and get myself into another 3 year relationship after just 2 months of being single - I deserve some time out, and I'd like my time-spent-single vs time-spent-in-relationship ratio to even out! Plus, for anyone who's read "Come Together" by Josie Lloyd and Emlyn Rees (highly recommended), my promiscuity ratio will be a lot less by the time I reach my next birthday if I stay single!

However, attempts to wreck my newly single bubble have already been made. After M's mood-destroying announcement on Friday, him, A and my other workmate J started talking about me meeting American boys when I go to Florida in November. Before that, they mentioned about me meeting surfer boys when I do my surfing lessons in Cornwall (i.e. today - the lesson was brilliant, and I've got another on Thursday). Why is everyone so keen to set me up now? I'm sure they're not going to be the only people who attempt to do this in the immediate future.

I mentioned yesterday, I joined an internet dating website to find new friends, and clearly state so on my profile. I really can't imagine going on this site to find dates, in my current state. I've probably come across as a cold-hearted bitch, but I've been quite harsh to anyone who's approached me on there for dating. It sounds really hypocritical as well, but like meeting new friends, I don't particularly want to meet my next boyfriend on an internet dating site - I'd feel really embarrassed explaining to friends where we'd first met! Same goes for speed dating - I'd love to have a go at that sometime.

Again, looking for more conventional means, I've looked at my new housemate, J's, habits. He practically has a date every night - how does he do this? Perhaps when I'm ready to date again, I'll ask him how he does it. It seems so carefree and happy. I'd like to live his life for a while. Unfortunately, with J's dating habit, there's two more fears which go alongside the fear of meeting someone special and diving into another long term relationship again - the fear of an ever increasing "magic number" (you know what I mean...), and the fear of catching something (I made that mistake with a very horny, but dirty biker man a few years ago and have learnt my lesson from that for sure!) Perhaps I just need to get rid of these demons and bite the bullet, otherwise I'd probably never have any fun!

However, all these options have one key limiting factor above all others - I don't fancy anyone! When am I going to get out of this attraction drought, and why am I stuck in it in the first place?

There's only one thing I can think of. Perhaps I'm not over O. It took me ages to go from "single but unavailable" to "single and available", or so I thought. Perhaps I'm still the former? Which sucks. I don't want to feel that way about O anymore.

So, looks like I'll be stuck in the drought for a while. On the flipside, whilst O is (according to friends), nocturnal (after all, he was the one who said he could happily be single for the rest of his life...), I'm getting out and about, meeting new people, doing new things, and generally having fun. And I guess a man, whatever I eventually decide I'm into (I have a list started already), will come along when he feels like it (and hopefully not three at once, like buses!) My female housemate, D, and I went out on a girl's night out last weekend, and in the many years of non-singledom, coupled with the fact that I usually go out with guys which prevents anyone from approaching me, the amount of attention we got was staggering! After tagging along with a stag do, I had my first snog of singledom. Even though I may have had my beer goggles on, I felt liberated, not guilty, (a bit tipsy), and happy.

Here's to more good fun times like this in my new life.

FPB