I went down to see the Tall Ships at Falmouth today.
Tall ships bring back some extremely happy memories from earlier on this year in June, where I lived life on board a square brig for a week long voyage as part of a training programme at work with my fellow graduates. We went from Wales to Ireland, around the coast, and back over to Liverpool. There were twenty-four of us, including the ever gorgeous M and my dear sweet friend T. Even though (to my disappointment) the ship we sailed on wasn't there today, just seeing the masts of such a ship again for the first time since the voyage made me smile.
Unfortunately, I was one of only a handful of the twenty-four of us who enjoyed that trip. I nicknamed the rest "The Cool Kids", as all they did was complain all week, especially one really moody girl who's a little princess so stuffed up her own arse that she annoyed even those who had known her for a long time. I threw myself into the challenge and got a lot out of it, and learnt a lot in the process.
I'm not just talking about sailing - I'm talking about the following five unconventional learning points that I picked up from living in close quarters and from time reflecting on my own...
Firstly,
1) Don't neglect a friend when they're in need.
I'm talking about dear T here. Around last Christmas, when we were really good friends, he came out of a long term relationship of over five years. He started sending me odd texts, which were basically his thoughts in words. My ex, O, said this was just attention seeking, emo, that he probably fancied me and I should ignore him when he does this. I, completely besotted with O at the time and taking his words as gold, got nervous of these texts, and gradually neglected T. We became more distant from each other and barely spoke. Then, on the ship, I saw this fantastically chirpy side to him which made me remember why he was my friend in the first place. After the voyage, unshowered and over a double chocolate cookie and a coffee in a service station, I apologised to him for not being there when he was obviously crying out for a friend, someone to talk to whilst he was feeling so low about his breakup. Today, he's over his ex, our friendship has been repaired, and we're closer than ever, especially now that we both live in the city. I'm definitely making up for lost time.
2) I have no time for "cool kids".
M was admirable on the ship, for his great sense of adventure that was completely contagious (probably even moreso for someone who fancied him, AKA, moi...). He had no fear for climbing the masts, and if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have gone up them myself, which earnt me a prize a couple months later for my enthusiasm, heehee. I was in his group for the week, and so I spent a great amount of my time with M, trying to get to know him even when we weren't actually doing anything important in particular for the boat. One night, M, I and another graduate went to an Irish pub, where I was, shall we say, extremely popular with the locals (I'm apparently now betrothed to an Irish barman)! I spent all my time talking to them and ignoring M and the other grad, which I now regret as it would have been the perfect time to get to know M better! Oh well, it was a very memorable evening with the Irish locals and much Guinness! M and I flirted during the week as well, clipping himself onto me with his safety harness before climbing the masts, hugging me when I made it up there myself for the first time, which of course definitely put a smile on my face! And I had had a VERY sexy dream about him on board the ship, involving chocolate cheesecake/mousse, his body, and me starting from the contours of his neck and slowly working my way down on him...mmmmm....
However, M unfortunately turned to the dark side and became one of the aforementioned "Cool kids" by the end of the week. I was sick of their moaning and trying to get everyone else to join their clan and bond via such moaning, so I was not very happy when I found M doing the same. He changed character completely from the guy I was patiently trying to understand and know better. On one particular evening, I was trying to talk to him, and he physically barged me out of the way to go and join them instead. What a jerk!
Having had enough by then, I decided I wasn't going to let them ruin my enjoyment of the event. Even though they turned their noses at me and my go-getter attitude on the boat, I plodded on, and got the most I could have got out of it. It only did wonders for me - for them, the last I heard was that their supervisors were being spoken to by the organiser, especially the stuck up princess's. Ha. Serves them all right.
3) Sides of yourself which you think you lost ages ago will resurface when necessary
Back as a teenager, I was naive. I had an optimistic view on life, and didn't think half as much about things as I do now. I missed that cheery outlook on life as my wisdom began to take over. But with age, a tough start to my relationship with O (see below), and experience, I grew less naive, and figured that that side of me had gone forever...
Until the ship. I don't know what got into me, but I was a bundle of smiles and happiness on that ship, just like I was in the old days! I lifted everyone's spirits, especially the crews', and kept my fellow graduates comfortable and happy. This included spending quality time with M, getting the engineer on board to dry our towels, and the aforementioned fun night in Ireland, where the songs "Just Looking" by the Stereophonics, "With or Without You" by U2, and "So Young" by the Corrs which I'd stuck on the juke box will always bring back memories of that week and how I felt!
4) Craving closeness/flirting whilst away from your loved one is healthy and natural
I'm talking about S here. I mentioned him a few blogs ago - his fiancee hates me even though I've never met her. The time I spent with S on the ship is the only time where this could be justified.
S and I flirted...a lot, even though we were both in long term relationships at the time. He teased me about my bikini, he placed his hand on my knee, he hugged me constantly - all fairly innocent at the end of the day. When things got a bit too intense, I told him so, and that was the end of the flirting (I wore my bikini out underneath a polo shirt so that just the halter neck was visible and he couldn't keep his hands away from "my 34B's" ! Even M gave me a sexy lingering glance up and down when I wore that simple combination 
)
I spoke to S the day after, and he apologised for where it had got too much. As I've mentioned in previous blog posts, I don't think there's anything wrong with innocent flirting, crushes and cuddles in a long term relationship, and whilst we were both away from our loved ones, we craved this attention from someone and had been drawn to each other.
It later turned out that S's grandfather had died whilst S was on the voyage and he hadn't told a soul - no wonder he craved some comfort! So we left it at that; no more flirting, but having got to know each other a lot better as friends. Even though keeping the friendship with S has become difficult because of his fiancee, it would be lovely to keep it going because of the fun times we shared on the ship (he wasn't a cool kid either, so we both enjoyed the experience of being on the ship for a week without feeling guilty or stupid about participating in sailing it when we were around each other).
And finally, 5) O and I weren't right for each other.
I kinda already knew this before the ship wrenched it out of me. Our turning point had been the horrible holiday we went on a month prior to the Tall Ships trip. The holiday had been a cruise, and O had spent very little time with me, and had been horrible to me when we did spend time together. His parents had completely humiliated me on the last night, which was a horrible experience, and the holiday had ended in a huge row with O. I can't stand the thought of a cruise again! Inbetween the cruise and the tall ships voyage, O and I had spent very little time together, and when I had visited him, I'd spent more quality time with O's housemate than O himself, who was too wrapped up in his own world to even give me a second thought.
Going on the Tall Ship had given me plenty of alone time to reflect on the cruise and my recent feelings. The flirting with S had made me feel desired and wanted again, which I hadn't felt for a long time in my relationship with O, I had a huge crush on M which wouldn't go away like the crushes before him had done, and O hadn't phoned or texted me the whole week. I had had so much fun on my own, and I knew by then that it was probably over.
So, many many learning points. I miss that ship so much, and would love to take the week again (minus the graduate tasks they made us do which ended up being completely pointless - the supervisors they sent with us were absolutely terrible, but were the only downside in my opinion of the whole week). We had a fantastic last night on that ship - it was a rainy, windy night and we had all the sails up! M and I's group were on watch from 12 to 4 on the last morning, and even though the timing was tough, we'd definitely struck gold. It was incredibly exciting. I was so inspired by that night that I wrote an article on it which I'm still waiting to get publised by our work's magazine - I'll keep you posted, as if it does get through, it'll be a real writing achievement for me and give me confidence to write bigger, better things!
So, there I was today, three months after the voyage had ended, looking around the ships, reliving memories of the times I had on ours, how sexy M is (oh dear, I fear I'm creeping down that path again after a week of forbidding myself from thinking about him at all now he's got a girlfriend...), how happy I am that T and I are so close these days (close enough for a relationship..?) when I look out to the sea and into the distance and recoil in a moment of sadness...
I saw a huge cruise ship floating offshore, just like O and I's did on the last terrible day of our holiday when we went to Guernsey and it was too big to enter the port. And the horrible memories of him come flooding back.
And it made me realise, even though I'm learning about myself on a daily basis, I still don't know what I want or where I'm going after such a huge change in my life.
O represented all my old dreams. We were together for so long it was all laid out. We were so comfortable with each other's company. He understood and helped me through my work, I was prepared to marry him, have children with him, put my job second to put him first, put up with his laziness and fussy eating habits, whilst he, after all the time we spent together, wasn't prepared to do any of that for me. He took over a year to tell me that he loved me. I'd been reduced to a mess by the time he finally did. I should have ended it back then when he broke my heart the first time...
I don't think I'm ready to do all that and go through all that again with someone else. I have new dreams; I just can't see them yet. I'm not particularly fussed on marriage anymore, I don't know if I want children, and my job comes first (even though it's been distracted by M at times recently...). But all that aside, I can't go through the bad times again.
How can I start the whole dating game with all this on my mind?
And M, gorgeous, sexy M who's so wrong for me, why am I thinking about him again? I don't think dropping my feelings completely for him is the way forward after all, which was the original method of getting over him that I mentioned in my blog a few days ago. I'm going to have to drop them slowly, which sucks. I wrote down exactly why we weren't ever going to work before I came to Cornwall and read through it today, and it doesn't seem as easy to follow or believe as it did today. Bugger. He's going to be on my mind for longer than I imagined, I guess, and until then, I don't think many (or any) others stand a chance. I don't want to fancy him anymore!
And on the flipside, dear T, who would be so right for me, but I can't bring myself to feel attracted to him... Yet.
I've been told love takes time. Forgetting love certainly does!
So I'll plod on as usual, as I often say. I've taken two surfing lessons this week, which were fantastic. I'm definitely coming back for more at Christmas. I look good in a wetsuit, heehee. M's got a picture of him posing in a wetsuit as well, so perhaps we can compare notes and see who looks better! Perhaps I'll suggest it when I get back to the office! Nehoo, I'm still building on my multiple, new interests whilst nocturnal, close-minded, cold-hearted O sits at his computer, probably in his boxers, just as I remember him, telling me all and only about his work...and I'm pleased to say I find what he tells me boring, as that all he talks about! The 13th is the day of the month on which we got together (yeah, I know it's cheesy), and instead of wallowing in self pity, I'm having a massage.
I've also drunk a lot of wine this week, but hell, I'm on holiday, and I'm just about to go and have another...
Cheers!
