Hey all
Wow, what a week I've had! Talk about a roller coaster of emotions...
I realised about a fortnight ago that I am over O. I'm completely over O. However, apparently he's not over me. Of all the years of being a complete dry stone, he said all that I wanted him to say. But not when I wanted to hear it.
So here's what happened...
I decided last weekend that I really fancied a night out with my friend P. However, P lives with O and they're close buddies, have been since childhood. So, whilst asking P if he fancied a night out, I decided to invite along O as well. It was a good chance to see for sure that I was over O, especially with the sparks that had been recently developing with T on the cards.
So off I went.
It started off as a fabulously chilled evening. O cooked (he's a great cook, something I do miss dearly about him), we ate and drank wine as a happy threesome, then ventured out, beer in hand (and belly) to go to a local club, which happened to be my favourite.
I wandered around alone for a while before heading to the dance floor hosting the main DJ, where I merrily drank away and danced, eyeing up a few hotties on the dance floor. I decided, feeling brave and inspired by my housemate D a few weeks ago, to chat to these guys. And we really hit it off! They were fun, (younger than me, unfortunately) but very VERY cute. They headed off to have a cigarette once or twice, leaving me alone again on the dance floor.
During one of these flirting breaks, I decided to get myself another drink, and headed over to the bar, where I found O, standing watching the dance floor. Whether he saw me or not, I don't know, and I don't think it even matters, but I certainly wasn't prepared for what was about to come...
He told me he missed me.
He told me he had been thinking about giving us another shot.
He said that when I had walked into his house that night all confident, happy and calm in my single independent self, it had reminded him of the old days when we were first dating.
What a bombshell! Of course, it knocked me right off my happy independent "moved-on" pedestal. I couldn't believe he was doing this to me. I'd just completely uprooted myself to a new city, avoided all our mutual friends as it had felt so awkward, and now he was saying everything I wanted to hear, but not when I needed to hear it. I was distraught. Why couldn't he have figured this all out whilst we were still together?
I ended up miserable and in tears, crying yet again on poor P's shoulder. I don't know if he knew what O had said to me, or whether O had told him himself. O also told me he was convinced that O and I had kissed that night, which certainly was not true and just made me even angrier, as it seemed that it had been the justification he was using for all his feelings. Plus, it would NEVER have happened because I didn't want it to happen!
One very awkward night later, I woke up in O's bed. O was nowhere to be seen (I later found him on the sofa). We hadn't slept together - O had already forbidden anything like that from happening on the day of our breakup.
Laying there in his bed, fully clothed from the night before and a hangover kicking in, I couldn't believe I was back in it again. Something felt so familiar about the smell of that room (and the sheets he seldom washed..) Looking around, everything was just the same as before. The pepper plants he'd been growing had got bigger, but that was it. A picture of us still resided on his top shelf - the only one left in public appearance since our breakup. I had left it there to remind him of what he'd given up. Perhaps I shouldn't have left it there if I didn't want bombshells like this!
The thoughts of what to say in response to O's bombshell swam through my aching head all that morning. O eventually came into the room and apologised for his behaviour, and we began to talk. He re-iterated what he'd told me drunkenly last night, adding that he'd been a terrible boyfriend to me and felt awful for what he'd done on the cruise.
I told him yes, he had been terrible to me over the three years we were together.
I told him we certainly didn't kiss last night.
I told him even if he wanted to start things up again, I certainly didn't.
I told him even if I did, now would not be the time as I'd just uprooted myself.
I asked him angrily whether this meant I had to avoid seeing all the friends we'd made together in his town (especially dear P)
He said that it had been a relationship that should have ended a long time before it actually did. Something I'd often told myself during the bad times.
And then we laid down on his bed, two very separate people, but very much in the familiar situation of old times. We'd talked it out. I still felt a little sick that he'd realised all this now, but certainly wasn't wishing to find out if all he had told me was true by giving it another shot.
I spent most of Monday and Tuesday in an angry haze.
WHY why why couldn't O have figured this out sooner?
Why, if it should have ended such a long time ago, didn't he have the balls to dump me? Even during the bad times, I wanted to keep it going, otherwise I certainly would have had ended it myself. But being dumped in the early days would have saved a broken heart after three years.
Did all this new information mean that I had to go through the hell of not seeing our friends again to avoid the awkwardness of seeing O? I hope not.
Before the bombshell, O and I had just organised a load of fun friend-things to do together. Was this a huge mistake? Again, I hoped not.
So on that note, I'm going to see how things go with O. I'm seeing him for a DJ gig this weekend and a snowboarding lesson on Sunday. Hopefully it won't be awkward!
Plus, there was someone who dragged me out of my angry haze. T.
After being so lovely to me the week before, we decided to meet up on Tuesday - he was going to come and cook me pancakes. It would give my housemates a chance to see whether he was genuine or not, and whether he was a dark horse or not.
He came round, he made pancakes, he burnt them, we hugged, and we had a lovely evening together again, with more snuggling on the sofa. He impressed my housemate D, and once my other housemate J knew what was going on (he's not the sharpest knife in the box sometimes), he seemed to like him too.
I also had the chance to question T about his 5 year relationship which ended last year. T had told me in his last relationship, which ended last year after five and a half years (that's before uni, all through uni and out the other side - impressive!) he'd told a girl who he fancied and who fancied him that they should be together. Although nothing happened, it's pretty harsh to do that in a relationship. With my new found feelings for T, I had to know - was he likely to do the same to me, and whether he was a bit of a dark horse. Turns out the ex was in deep depression and no matter what he did, he couldn't make her happy (poor babe - explains why he's such a gentleman trying to make me happy all the time). She was also a devout catholic, and when they moved in together, was convinced that they were "living in sin". Ker-azy?! Why move in together if you're going to go around saying that afterwards?
This opens the question - does a five-and-a half year relationship make T a possible rocket in the bedroom? I'd say yes, in any normal situation. But does a five-and-a-half year relationship with a Catholic make T a possible rocket in the bedroom? Probably not! For my next boyfriend, I want someone who knows what they're doing in that department! I'm usually the teacher and never the pupil! Although I feel slightly shallow admitting it, feeling sexy is VERY important to me, and sex is very important to me in a relationship. I don't believe you can have a successful relationship without chemistry. The signs so far with T look good though - the way he stroked his hands over my curves and through my fingers in our more tender moments sent shivers down my spine. And he mentioned his ex broke the rules of Catholicism when she felt like it, so I expect he is experienced in that field. If no sex was involved in their relationship, then I expect he's VERY good at foreplay, and being such a gentleman, that makes him possibly even better! Heehee...
I talked over my thoughts on a relationship with D afterwards. She said he seemed very sweet, and obviously likes me as I was flirting with him (which I didn't actually realise I was doing - oh dear, am I a compulsive flirt?!)
I came up with two points why I shouldn't go for it with T...
1) He's not a great cook (he burnt the pancakes, which were supposed to be his speciality)
2) He's too gentlemanly (I like my independence)
If that's the bad points, then they're so insignificant it's definitely worth a shot!
So, bring on Wednesday, which was his birthday. I was going to make it extra special. I dressed in my best dress, took him to Ceroc, and despite his pleas against it, bought him 6 lessons in a row as his present (I threatened him with a Fat Lady Figurine we'd seen in the shops if he didn't accept, which worked!) We went to a bar and then back to his afterwards, and snuggled away into the early hours. I ran my fingers through his hair (Very nice hair! Plus point!) and it was the perfect night.
Come midnight, I decided it was time to go home, and with a lingering hug, went to get into my car. We were hugging face on this time, and I *knew* if I looked up at that moment, he was going to kiss me. And he tried to - lifting my head up gently but with determination. And I froze. I couldn't kiss him. It would have been the perfect end to a perfect evening, but it wasn't right. So I kissed him on his chest, and got into my car.
The drive home was torture - I almost turned around to go back and make things right. But I knew I'd done the right thing. How could I go from O, declaring his feelings for me and making me so angry at the beginning of the week, to starting up something new and exciting with T, who O was always wary of anyway?! It wasn't right. I still needed time to let O settle, and time to suss out T, and the way I felt about him myself.
I felt terrible. I'd only begun to get used to the fact that T felt so strongly for me, and had surprised myself in the way I'd found myself fancing T. I still wasn't there yet completely. My feelings for T weren't yet as strong as the feelings I'd had for M, or even O when we'd first met. I wanted to be sure that this was going to be right before heading off into a relationship and breaking such a sweet guy's heart.
The question in my head begged - was I leading T on by being so close to him then not letting him kiss me because I wasn't quite ready to yet, or would it have been worse if I'd gone ahead with the kiss then decided afterwards it wasn't the right thing to do and ended whatever we'd started? I'm pretty sure what I did was the best way to go. I knew I'd given him mixed signals, but I don't think I led him on in the long run.
We plodded on as usual - a stream of texts passed between us, him being his usual gentlemanly self, paying me loads of wonderful beautiful compliments. Until Friday. I dared to pay him a compliment back. He told me I was delicious, so I told him he was pretty tasty himself. And meant it! He said that he hoped I didn't feel obliged to say it, plunging me into a spiral of further thoughts. He's obviously confused as to how I acted on his birthday when he tried to kiss me.
And I haven't heard from him since. The texts have dried up. Has he changed his mind? Now I'm the confused one! It seems we've started to play games with each other, which is not good when I'm still trying to decide whether to go for it or not. Thoughts are running through my head such as:
Why oh why oh why didn't I kiss him? (Because I wasn't ready to)
Being with T would be so great, and I would be a stupid girl not to give it a shot, so what's stopping me? (My feelings for one - I'm still not sure how much I like him. I'm pretty sure I do quite like him as I can't get him out of my head, and the thoughts I've had about him have moved on from kissing and relationships to something a lot steamier (see previous comment on foreplay..mmm)
Do I think he was "The One"? No. (Do I believe in "The One"? No. (so that's not a problem!))
Do I need more time to think about this? Yes!
I want to be single for a while, but when you're single and haven't been single for long, and a great guy comes along who would be so perfect for you, do you go for it? When you're single, you're only single because you're waiting for that to happen, right?
What is O playing at? Have I entered a conundrum I can't get out of in arranging to do things with him over the next few weeks?
And more importantly...
Have I messed things up with T for good now? Has he put me in the friend zone? Are we going to go back to being friends or fizzle out completely?
As per usual, only time will tell. I've texted him three times over the weekend with not a single reply in return. It's certainly not boding well for me, and my feelings for him aren't growing stronger when I suspect he's playing games. I only have myself to blame for this, but did I really do anything wrong? I don't think so?!
As per usual, only time will tell...
Watch this space! Who knows what's going to happen?
FPB
