Hey all

It's been a while since I've written. I've been a busy girl! Many deadlines have to be met at work (which is only made harder by the fact I'm waiting on others to get back from holiday before I go on business leave myself, which leaves me the space of about a week to do a month's work in), and I'm off to Germany (again, with work) tomorrow!

Plus (and here's the big news), my relationship with T has flourished... :)

I left my blog last time in a flurry of emotions. O had just dropped a bombshell on me, and T had left me on tenterhooks as to whether he was still interested in me.

Firstly, let me tell you about O... I decided to give the "I'm over you and this is closure" meeting I wanted the last time we saw each other another go. I invited him to come and see a DJ I love, which I knew he'd like too. I also booked in his birthday present (from last January...), which was a snowboarding lesson. I'd been wanting to give it a go myself for a while, so I booked in myself to join him too. And things were great! That weekend, he met my housemates, we went out clubbing and had a great time, had a chinese and a quiet night in the following night, and finished off with the snowboarding lesson on the Sunday, which I could tell he loved, and I had a great time too! It was just the sort of closure I'd been looking for from him. We're going to be absolutely fine as friends from now on, I'm sure of it. I'll be seeing him again at the beginning of November with some old friends of ours, which I'm really looking forward to.

The best part was - O acted exactly how he acted in our relationship - immature, taking the piss out of me most of the time, but good fun, as always, to hang out with. And I realised, this man was never meant for a long term relationship with me, that I had outgrown him for the better, and that I no longer felt about him that way or wanted anything from him emotionally at all. I wish I'd had the guts to see how bad we were as a couple way before we ended it, or that O was just a little bit more unkind to me in the early days and ended it himself without giving us a shot. He wasn't a terrible boyfriend - there are much worse men out there, but he was pretty bad in the loving me/caring for me/paying me attention/knowing how to treat me and how not to treat me department. It takes a lot to make O feel feelings, I know myself through first hand experience! I'm not bitter anymore though - I'm way past that. I hope one day, O finds someone who he cares about as much as I cared about him once upon a time and realises what he put me through, and I hope he's learnt from his mistakes with me to be able to love her with all his heart. I really mean that. And in that respect, I don't mind having been the "tester" girlfriend.

I'm ready for a proper relationship, where the other half of it cares a lot about me. And I think T can be the guy who can give me that.

We kissed for the first time a couple of weeks ago, right before the weekend of closure I had with O. He'd had a hard day, and wanted to see me. So I went round there, and gave him many hugs. I was sitting in front of him, slightly leaning back with him cuddling me from behind, and then it happened. After all the thoughts rushing through my head about how great it would be to kiss him, how much I regretted not kissing him before, I initiated the kiss myself. Gently at first, more of a "peck". But that got the ball rolling. By the end of the night, and a few Scrubs episodes later, we were kissing like our lives depended on it! And it felt wonderful.

T freaked out a little on the weekend I spent with O. Understandable really. I believe it stemmed from the fact I was now kissing him when before I'd shied away from him, and he just wanted to make sure we were on the same track. Or maybe it was the fact I'd just spent a whole weekend with my ex. I reassured him by inviting him over on the way back from my snowboarding lesson. Something really made me want to hold him that evening to finish off a great weekend. I told him that there was no need to worry, that O and I were completely finished - that I'd gone to see O to get the closure I craved, just as I've written above. He understood like a real gentleman should; after all, he'd been through it all with his ex himself. And I told him how I wanted to see how things would go between T and myself. And I meant it.

We spent the whole evening and part of the night together, where I learnt something new about T - he's trouble...Any fears I had before about his lack of/excess of experiences with his ex were completely shattered (see my previous post for that story!). T's going to be absolutely dynamite inbetween the sheets! He's amazing with his hands, and completely took my breath away. After we parted that night, he sent me some killer text messages that made me blush terribly when I saw him the following day at work in the canteen at lunchtime. We met up in the pub after work and couldn't say a word to each other, just kept locking eyes and smiling knowingly to ourselves.

We spent another evening together the following week after going out for the usual Wednesday night dancing, and whilst I held him in my arms, I realised I was hooked. T's absolutely gorgeous up close - lovely hair, beautiful brown eyes framed by dark eyelashes, and flawless skin. We had our hands all over each other and moved onto more magical things which I shall keep to myself which ended with both of us coming hard and fast...

The Friday after, I toned things down a little, stuck on a gorgeous dress, and he took me out for dinner at a restaurant I've been wanting to try for ages. Holding his hand across the table felt so right, and it was then I realised that this man was not simply fantastic, he was perfect for me, and we were perfect for each other. What the hell was I waiting for... After O and I split, I wrote a list of traits I would be looking for in my next boyfriend, not expecting to fill them all. But T has come along and ticked every single one of my boxes! He's intelligent, has great eyes, is taller than me, has great hair, doesn't smoke, certainly knows what he's doing ;) is ambitious, not prone to jealousy, mature, sweet, well mannered, and fun! And extremely sexy. We woke up together for the first time the morning after, and it felt so good and so right to be beside him.

This week, he took me out to dinner (again!) as I was feeling blue after a bad day, which really cheered me up. I told him my worries, and he listened to me. I found out that we're even more similar than I'd originally thought - he gave me advice which I could understand and follow as he would have done the same in my position. It was a refreshing change from oppressive O, who would have taken the piss out of me or given harsh advice that made me feel worse.

We spent another night together last night, where I cooked for him for the first time, and my new learning of the evening was that he also has a great sense of humour that I can happily share with him! I didn't want to let him go this morning.

I can't believe I didn't see how fantastic and gorgeous this man was months ago! I can't believe I said I didn't fancy him before (although I do recall when I first met him thinking how cute and friendly he was - I must have blocked it out because I was completely in love with O at the time). Any feelings I had for M have now been completely swamped by the feelings I have for T. I must have been completely blind over the past two years since I met him, because now, I can't get him out of my head. I'm very close to cashing in my chips and saying "Hey T, you know what? Be my boyfriend! We're perfect for each other!"

We've kept everything very secret so far, and its only a matter of time before people at work catch on to us. And I'm not afraid of admitting our feelings for each other anymore. P and his girlfriend M visited me a week or so ago, and asked if I was seeing someone new, and I said a very confident "Yes"! They seem thrilled for me, and T was equally as thrilled when I told him that I'd told them the juicy gossip.

However, I'm still going to prevent myself from rushing into things. I feel a little jaded from my relationship with O still - that I know what's coming next and that I've been in this stage before, and despite our fantastic evenings together I keep feeling as if I'm committing quite bad faux pas when I'm out with T - sometimes it feels as if I'm acting as if I'm in a long term relationship still and that my relationship behaviour has merged, and that I'm acting "too comfortable" with T (our first dinner date ended with me groaning as I was too full up, instead of the sexy cocktails and night on the town I had planned for us later like a normal first date should consist of). Or perhaps that's a good sign? I feel I can be myself around T, so perhaps its a good thing I'm feeling so comfortable around him? After all, he has been my friend for almost two years. And comfort aside, there's some definite electricity between us!

As a precaution, I asked T to slow things down a few days ago (although it was great fun, and we haven't slept together yet, the naughty things we have done have rocketed ahead at a hell of a pace which is a little too fast for me). So far, things are working, like our fantastic evening together last night, and I'm learning new things about him everyday. He's such a gentleman, and I'm loving every minute of it. I love the way he looks at me with his big beautiful eyes and smiles proudly at me. I'm loving the fact that I'm feeling like I want a relationship with him. And I can't wait to see what happens.

I'm away for four days now, then two weeks later, I'm off for two weeks. That takes me up til the end of November. I have a feeling, by then, I'll know for sure whether to turn this into a proper relationship and allow myself to completely fall in love with him and be so vulnerable. I already am falling for him. And I already think I know the answer to my own question...

Take care!

FPB