I've just driven home from T's feeling extremely guilty after giving him a royal ear bashing. I didn't get angry, I didn't get upset, but curiousity just got the better of me.

I just had to know.

I mentioned in one of my earlier posts that during T's last relationship of over five years, he had told a girl who he fancied that he would be with her if he was single. To extend the story, apparently "he was single at first, she was single, but then, before anything happened, she got a boyfriend, and he got together with someone". He told me that ages ago, back when we were just friends and in complete confidentiality.

So why does it bug me so?

I'm not the jealous type, never have been, and hopefully never will. I just wanted to know what made T say such a thing in a relationship. And the ultimate question is: is he going to do the same to me someday?

It's been bugging me throughout our whole five months (five months! Can you believe that?!), but I didn't know how to approach it. Tonight, I decided the medium of Facebook in all its new hideous glory would be the best way. Plus, I was feeling a little nosy, and wanted to know about all the friends he hadn't introduced me to yet. Including the exes, and what they looked like...

After having a snoop through pictures of his exes, including the long term one, his friends, including the gay ones, and any other random pictures which took my fancy, my curiousity was satisfied. And I felt fine - looking at things like this didn't bother me. But there was no sign of this mystery girl who he had told that he wanted to be with during his last relationship. And that bothered me. Who was this mystery woman?

So I (bravely) popped the question.

FPB: "So...which one is she?"
T: "Who?"
FPB: "The one you said you would be with when you were with your ex"
(queue silence)

T's face fell, and he started muttering that he didn't want to, nor liked playing this game. That just began to bug me even more! Why was he protecting this mystery woman? She was obviously so fantastic, so utterly more beautiful and intelligent than me that he didn't want the secret of her beauty and charm to escape and overwhelm me. So I pestered and pestered, and explained how I felt about it all. The reason I was so curious was because I needed to compare myself to her. I needed to know just what it was about her that made T say what he said to her, and that hopefully, what I had was better and more important than whatever it was that overcame him and that he would never EVER do the same to me as he did to his poor ex. But still, he wouldn't tell me.

Eventually, after running through reels of names, even the male ones (!) I gave up. I explained myself one final time (one of my worst habits) and threw in the towel. T had convinced me enough that this mystery woman was in the past, and even though it still bugged me, I vowed to try and forget about it. And by this point, he was getting worried that I didn't trust him.

T: "You really should, I don't want it to bug you. It was years ago, and it's all in the past. I don't know what made me tell an ex-girlfriend that I wanted to be with her again when I clearly didn't, and I would never do that to you"
FPB: "Wait...it was your ex-girlfriend who was this mystery rocket-scientist supermodel creature?"
T: "Yeah...? I thought you knew that"

It sounds insane, but knowing it was an ex of his made me feel instantly relieved. The mystery of the mystery woman was solved. And (harsh as it may sound) none of them were supermodels. One (who broke his heart and who he couldn't get over throughout his long term relationship) was fairly beautiful and could have worried me, but not the others. In fact, T's mum exclaimed the other day to me during dinner; "I'm amazed at how much you eat, FPB! It's strange for T to be with a skinny one!" And as T described my mystery woman afterwards - "She was the one I showed you with the huge face". I didn't need to probe any further. I just hope that T doesn't go through picking similar looking girlfriends appearance-wise and I'm next in the line-up of huge-faced large girls!

So I feel guilty for eating T's ear off with being bugged about trivial things, and T feels guilty for worrying me by a backhanded comment back when we were friends, but we successfully talked through it, and as per these things, are closer as a result. T's still a little worried I don't trust him, and I guess I didn't on this particular aspect, but now it feels a lot better, I believe I can get over what bugged me so much before.

It's really funny what bothers people in relationships. As I've just explained, exes don't, but the not-knowing about certain things kills me! T can't stand talking about my exes, and doesn't like the thought of me once being with someone else, but I find it vital to talk about to find out where you went wrong in the past, and what made you who you are today.

O definitely taught me a great deal of what I know. And unfortunately for me, has been creeping under my skin a bit recently.

Don't get me wrong, I'm crazy about T. Head-over-heels crazy. We've just come back from a very romantic mini break in Spain which really strengthened my feelings for him, and I can't wait to go away with him again (we're thinking Ireland in September). He's perfect for me in every possible way, and I believe that if I can finally let go and see that, then we'd go the distance.

But I can't shake the feeling something's missing. That he's not O.

Ever since O had his blip around New Year's, I've been really giving him a lot of thought that I really shouldn't. That if things didn't work out between T and I, that we'd give it another shot. That O taught me so much, I want him to continue to do so. That maybe he really has learnt his lesson and changed his ways, and that we too could be perfect together. That maybe I should give up on T and I if things are feeling so "not-quite-right", and try again with O, miles away from me (an hour and a half's drive), with no real track record of being good to me or treating me right, and whose parents (well, his mother at least) hate me.

That O could have been the inevitable IT.

WHY am I thinking like this? Who knows! The holiday with T to Spain has definitely passed my thoughts into the back of my memory, but they're still there, waiting to pounce when I'm on my own and least expect it. Am I crazy? T = perfect but I can't see it, O = so not perfect but I can see things so clearly. I'm really REALLY trying to see the former, but as I put it in Sex and the City terms to my housemate D, "T's Aiden, O's my Mr Big". It sounds cliched, but it really does sum it up perfectly. I just hope I don't go down the same route as Carrie with what she did to Aiden. And I hope I don't tell O that we should be together when I'm with T...

It's funny how things go full circle (I've been saying that a lot today - luckily for me, in the world of work, things aren't as rocky and have really perked up!). Look at what I just said. I'm a complete hypocrite! I tell T I'm worried he's going to do that to me, when I'm just as likely to do it myself. I tell T if we ever get to the point where we know it's over then just declare it's over, but I'm too afraid to take the bullet and say to T things aren't feeling right. T comforted me earlier by saying that he's never cheated, and he wouldn't lie to me, and I believe him on both counts, but look at me! I've cheated in the past, once badly (and I really learnt my lesson), and I'm probably lying my face off to T by not telling him exactly what I'm worried about. I should be the one worrying whether T trusts me or not, not the other way around!

I REALLY want things to work with T. Reading my previous posts, I get a huge smile on my face when I recall the early days and how great things were. His parents really like me, we're totally compatible, we just had a fantastic holiday together, he's the sweetest guy in the world. But if I keep on having this misguided thoughts on O, I'm going to break his heart. And probably mine in the process. And I'd lose T forever, which I don't want. And even if I don't, T would never let me go near O again, and I'd lose O forever.

Trust is a funny thing. I don't think I could bring myself to trust O after what he did to me last year when we broke up, but I'm seriously considering breaking the trust T has in me and giving it another shot. Yes, I've cheated in the past, but I don't think I could bring myself to now after having my heart broken with O. People do change, and therefore I have, but does that mean that O has too, and I could actually trust him with my heart again?

I've just got to decide, I guess, whether I trust myself.

There appear to be three men who rock my world at the moment. T, O and (oh no, not again) M. The latter still makes me melt. Again, that's bad. T and M know each other very well, and if I told T about how I used to (and apparently vaguely still) feel about M, he'd get really upset. Another reason why I'm not necessarily lying, but definitely not telling the full story to T about things. How bad am I...Poor, poor T.

Let's just hope I start to see sense again soon...

FPB