Let's start with my last entry, in the same order as before...

Work...I hit my lowest of the low about a month ago. I couldn't put a positive spin on anything, my boss was getting me down, and I kept feeling like the bottom of the pile. So, one Monday morning, when I was feeling particularly feisty, I marched down the corridor...and into the health centre to book me in an appointment to see the local shrink. How American-TV-show am I? (Think Elliott from Scrubs)

And I have to say, Mr Shrink has really been helping me. My ups and downs on the crest of waves have become merely ripples now. My boss no longer bothers me as much, and anything which comes across as criticism dies down quickly into nothing, and I get over it. My confidence is returning, and I'm smiling a lot more at work again. Much better! The shrink does exactly what you'd expect a shrink to do - muscles down into the depths of my personality and past to find the reason why people such as my boss grated on me. Apparently O was the last person to grate on me, and when O and I ended, my boss took over as my latest "demon". In fact, my shrink finds my friendship with O incredibly hard to understand, based on what I've told him.

I'm slightly afraid, in case someone else steps into the shoes that my boss and O once wore. But the other part of me doesn't think that I'll find someone this time to fill those shoes. So I should stop looking. In fact, now it feels like my boss has my back! And J, my immediate boss, never let go of it

I had a strange dream about J actually, the other day. I had quite a hell of a weekend a few weeks ago, where, to put a long story short, stuff got leaked onto the net that I did and it made the originator of that stuff get mad, leading to a bit of slating, lots of wrong-end-of-the-sticks, and, general panic on my part. The first wave of panic was what my boss would think of what had happened, but over the weekend, after forwarding the email which started it all to J and getting a reply from him which calmed me down a lot, the situation dissolved and I realised I had nothing to worry about. I hadn't done anything wrong (and this was true). But on the Sunday night before I had to face any music on the Monday morning, J popped into my dreams. We were sitting in front of a computer screen and, without saying a word, he gently took my hand. There was absolutely nothing romantic about it, but something crept through my thoughts and just told me "Everything will be alright". And I felt so much better the next day. I can always count on J! (and my shrink, for without him, I may have exploded that weekend)

And the big work news is...I got promoted! My panic over whether it would or would not happen was resolved in a half hour meeting where it should have taken 2 1/2 hours to discuss the 6 of us who went through. We celebrate tomorrow. T's also one of the 6. We both get a substantial pay rise with this promotion, so we're turning into quite a well-off little team!

And speaking of T, we are 10 months into our relationship now and things are amazing. Our holiday, that I mentioned last time, was beautiful, and I plan to collate some pictures together for his birthday in a couple of weeks. And, we've taken the plunge and are moving in together...in 15 days time! We went bed shopping this weekend - I have never known shopping to be so difficult! Don't ever go mattress shopping if you can avoid it! (but do, if like me, you're sick of the beds you get in furnished rented places).

Our potential house is really cute, three bedrooms, one of them too small for much (the "cot room", as the agent put it...you should have seen T's face!). But the agency person we deal with isn't the warmest person in the world, and we've had so much trouble with the referencing people. They lie directly to us all! T's had problems getting in touch with his landlady due to the curse of August that is the peak holiday season, and they have been so unaccommodating about it! They would only accept an email from her as proof, not a phone call, then they told our letting agent that T had refused to provide a reference, which got them on our back. Now T's landlady is back, and she's found not a single trace of the reference people, so I wonder if they even bothered? And they say that they can only keep accounts open for a fortnight, despite the fact we paid and that the fortnight time deadline only refers to credit checks, not referencing...Grrrr. Time is ticking, and they're being worse than ever. I hope it gets sorted soon, before the agency decide enough's enough and they don't let us have the house.

And on the other hand, even though I've found my replacement in the form of a lovely, bubbly nurse for G and D, my current agency is moving at snail's pace in sorting that out for no apparent reason. Gah!

Oh well, apparently it all gets worse with actually buying a house instead of renting...

I'm looking forward to discovering the intricities of T. Some have made themselves apparent to me already. Such as...

1) He will ALWAYS put his family first, no matter what. Which I love about him, but it does get frustrating when you end up squished in the front seat of the car because his gran, who is half the size of him, requires some extra leg room that she didn't even ask for.
2) He is incredibly neurotic about money. Setting up a joint account with him has been fun! We sat down and talked finances last night. There were a lot of spreadsheets.
3) He is no wild child. No clubbing for him. And to be honest, not a huge social life. But it's OK, even though O finds it hilarious, I like the idea of having a stable house-boyfriend waiting for me at home, someone grounded.

But these little intricities simply don't bother me. Well, they do a tiny bit, but in the great scheme of things they don't matter. I can be myself around him, we sizzle with chemistry, and everything is so relaxed. As I said before (and to my shrink), he's my breath of fresh air. And my shrink gave me a good reason why. Remember when I wasn't sure about T? It seems that O challenged me constantly, but in a bad way, always winding me up. T, on the other hand, doesn't wind me up or constantly test my abilities. I may "miss" the challenge (if "miss" is the right word), but it's not anything to do with the non-O-ness like I thought it could be and was worried about. And now I appreciate him even more! To be honest (and shh, you'd better keep this secret), I don't think it will be too long before we get married...

So, let's look at the past year... I have an awesome boyfriend who I'm going to be sharing my life (and my bed) with, I have an awesome job that challenges me but keeps me going, I have a great friend in O, I have had three of the best housemates (both old and new) since living in the city, which I love too (apart from the nightlife), I have a good shrink (!), I have a new house with new things in it and a comfy bed on the cards ("natural progression", as J says), my hobbies consist of reading (new years resolution), dancing (I'm a year into it now and getting quite good) and yoga (again, a year into it and just moved up a class), my little Corsa is still going (still minus the alloy wheels my friend P wanted me to get), I still don't like the "cool kids", I've been to some amazing places and have well-and-truly caught the travel bug (Ireland at Christmas next), and I've just got a pay rise. I was right - things could only get better from last year, where I sat melancholically writing my first post on the sofa downstairs. Now, all snuggled up in T's hoodie, I paint a rather different picture.

And no, I don't fancy M anymore.

FPB

Comments

Well, it's been a while since I last posted, and that's because I've been extremely busy!

Whoa, just read my last post. What a mess! Luckily, I'm quite a tidy person, and have been cleaning a lot of it up...

Work's still as up n down as ever (O reckons that that's just the way things are with me, but hey). I got all set to go on a work trip, which was then cancelled by my boss at the last minute, annoying the people who wanted me to go. But who gets blamed? Not him! Me! Our test equipment's been out of action for 6 weeks, rather than the supposed 1 week, delaying me behind quite significantly. I have no plans for the next year defined due to costs, so no more new work is visible. My immediate bosses, including the one I liked, have been contradictory and messing me around. I still love my job, but it's turning into one big fed-up-ness which I'm finding hard to deal with. Maybe time to start looking elsewhere...?

So the big news. I've seen sense about my situation with O and T, and you'll probably be pleased to know, it's all about T. O, romantically, is out of the picture. I decided this at a party we were at, when he acted very cockishly, really big headed, and later I found out he'd taken something to help the party move along quicker. This is quite a big deal-breaker for me in general, but I realised - this is O. He's never going to change. He's never going to grow up. And this is exactly why I'm not with him anymore. We're the best of friends, and he still has his blips (we were out and about the other night, and I was having a bit of a miserable time, when he hugged me and told me he loved me to bits). I thought that was quite sweet. When the time and the right girl comes along, he's going to be a great boyfriend. And there's plenty of window-shopping from others - my housemate G think's he's hot (I'm not sure if she knows we have a history together), my housemate D adn him are perfectly suited, very similar mannerisms, but I think he's got a real soft spot for a friend of ours, a girl called A down where he lives, which I'd love to see blossom!) He is just never going to be the perfect boyfriend for me, which is fine, because I have one of my own...

T's perfect for me in so many ways, and I've finally given up the game, opened my eyes and given it my all. I love him so much. We still have just the one big argument under our belt (a rite of passage, methinks), I love his parents and rest of his family (and I hope they love me too!), he's drop-dead gorgeous, incredibly smart, sweet, considerate, generous...ahh, the list goes on. I decided about a month ago that I wanted to grab a last minute holiday deal, so we're jetting off tomorrow morning on a sun-filled holiday, with a temperature above 40 degrees! Eeeek! I'm very excited about this, for more than one reason...

T's asked me to move in with him!

"So soon?" I may hear you cry (the date in mind is the end of September, which will bring our relationship duration to 11 months - maybe some of you would think that he took his time to ask!). But it's something we really both want. I'm quite surprised and flattered, given his ex - they took 5 years before they felt they "had" to move in together...heehee It's not like that with us - there's definitely no feeling like we "have" to do this - normally I wouldn't even have considered moving in together after eight months! But hey, each relationship is different.

T's given me about a month to make a decision on whether we go for it now, or wait a while. There are several dilemmas to this...

1) Is it too soon? It will get on my nerves if this keeps coming our way from our friends. But it's a minor thing.
2) What will it do to our social life? I haven't told many people about our plans, but I have told O (mean, some people might say, given his blips??) Either way, this is the kicker from him. He reckons it will disappear, I reckon it will get better. At the moment, I don't spend much time with my housemates, who I love to bits (see point 4) but I reckon being with T 24/7 will make me go and visit them more often. Plus there's still the trips to see O and the evening classes I do (next one - French!) So I don't think this will be an issue at all.
3) Money - will I have enough saved by then? My car stuff (MOT, service, insurance) is due in August, which is always financially draining. And we want to go for an unfurnished place, which will mean we'll move in with practically nothing. I'm sure I can get around this somehow.
4) Here's the kicker. After years of searching, I've finally found decent housemates in G and D (and J, who was here before G, wasn't half-bad either!) If I move in with T, I not only lose some socialising and friendship building with them, but if it doesn't work out with T, I can probably never go back to this house and with the girls (We have a fantastic garden that I've done a lot of work in too, but that's OK - I think I can part with it once summer has gone).

I'm doing a lot of "judging" at the moment - I thought I couldn't bear to leave the girls when they came in the other night and started chatting wildly with me into the early hours, but then, D is messy at times (to the point of annoyance) and G can be quite abrupt (she speaks her mind, but also left this morning without saying "goodbye" or "have fun on your holiday" to me). But then I've been in this house a year come August, maybe it's time to move on. I'd love to have my own place with my items not all in my room, but dotted around my house. As my friends say at work, moving on from shared houses is "natural progression".

I haven't told G or D of my plans yet - I'm going to see how this holiday goes first. A holiday was the killer for O and I, despite the fact we lived together for 6 months quite happily (there was other people around, though) so I think a holiday's a good judge for me of whether we get on well enough 24/7 to give it a shot. I think we'll be fine - I don't think we'll end up killing each other, plus we have very similar housekeeping rules (our house is going to be spotless!)

I really hope it works out, and that I come to a decision about G and D. At the moment I'm oscillating around the middle of staying with them, or moving in with T this year.

We will see, we will see, we will see...

I'll keep you posted - I'm off on holiday!

FPB

Comments

I just had to know.

I mentioned in one of my earlier posts that during T's last relationship of over five years, he had told a girl who he fancied that he would be with her if he was single. To extend the story, apparently "he was single at first, she was single, but then, before anything happened, she got a boyfriend, and he got together with someone". He told me that ages ago, back when we were just friends and in complete confidentiality.

So why does it bug me so?

I'm not the jealous type, never have been, and hopefully never will. I just wanted to know what made T say such a thing in a relationship. And the ultimate question is: is he going to do the same to me someday?

It's been bugging me throughout our whole five months (five months! Can you believe that?!), but I didn't know how to approach it. Tonight, I decided the medium of Facebook in all its new hideous glory would be the best way. Plus, I was feeling a little nosy, and wanted to know about all the friends he hadn't introduced me to yet. Including the exes, and what they looked like...

After having a snoop through pictures of his exes, including the long term one, his friends, including the gay ones, and any other random pictures which took my fancy, my curiousity was satisfied. And I felt fine - looking at things like this didn't bother me. But there was no sign of this mystery girl who he had told that he wanted to be with during his last relationship. And that bothered me. Who was this mystery woman?

So I (bravely) popped the question.

FPB: "So...which one is she?"
T: "Who?"
FPB: "The one you said you would be with when you were with your ex"
(queue silence)

T's face fell, and he started muttering that he didn't want to, nor liked playing this game. That just began to bug me even more! Why was he protecting this mystery woman? She was obviously so fantastic, so utterly more beautiful and intelligent than me that he didn't want the secret of her beauty and charm to escape and overwhelm me. So I pestered and pestered, and explained how I felt about it all. The reason I was so curious was because I needed to compare myself to her. I needed to know just what it was about her that made T say what he said to her, and that hopefully, what I had was better and more important than whatever it was that overcame him and that he would never EVER do the same to me as he did to his poor ex. But still, he wouldn't tell me.

Eventually, after running through reels of names, even the male ones (!) I gave up. I explained myself one final time (one of my worst habits) and threw in the towel. T had convinced me enough that this mystery woman was in the past, and even though it still bugged me, I vowed to try and forget about it. And by this point, he was getting worried that I didn't trust him.

T: "You really should, I don't want it to bug you. It was years ago, and it's all in the past. I don't know what made me tell an ex-girlfriend that I wanted to be with her again when I clearly didn't, and I would never do that to you"
FPB: "Wait...it was your ex-girlfriend who was this mystery rocket-scientist supermodel creature?"
T: "Yeah...? I thought you knew that"

It sounds insane, but knowing it was an ex of his made me feel instantly relieved. The mystery of the mystery woman was solved. And (harsh as it may sound) none of them were supermodels. One (who broke his heart and who he couldn't get over throughout his long term relationship) was fairly beautiful and could have worried me, but not the others. In fact, T's mum exclaimed the other day to me during dinner; "I'm amazed at how much you eat, FPB! It's strange for T to be with a skinny one!" And as T described my mystery woman afterwards - "She was the one I showed you with the huge face". I didn't need to probe any further. I just hope that T doesn't go through picking similar looking girlfriends appearance-wise and I'm next in the line-up of huge-faced large girls!

So I feel guilty for eating T's ear off with being bugged about trivial things, and T feels guilty for worrying me by a backhanded comment back when we were friends, but we successfully talked through it, and as per these things, are closer as a result. T's still a little worried I don't trust him, and I guess I didn't on this particular aspect, but now it feels a lot better, I believe I can get over what bugged me so much before.

It's really funny what bothers people in relationships. As I've just explained, exes don't, but the not-knowing about certain things kills me! T can't stand talking about my exes, and doesn't like the thought of me once being with someone else, but I find it vital to talk about to find out where you went wrong in the past, and what made you who you are today.

O definitely taught me a great deal of what I know. And unfortunately for me, has been creeping under my skin a bit recently.

Don't get me wrong, I'm crazy about T. Head-over-heels crazy. We've just come back from a very romantic mini break in Spain which really strengthened my feelings for him, and I can't wait to go away with him again (we're thinking Ireland in September). He's perfect for me in every possible way, and I believe that if I can finally let go and see that, then we'd go the distance.

But I can't shake the feeling something's missing. That he's not O.

Ever since O had his blip around New Year's, I've been really giving him a lot of thought that I really shouldn't. That if things didn't work out between T and I, that we'd give it another shot. That O taught me so much, I want him to continue to do so. That maybe he really has learnt his lesson and changed his ways, and that we too could be perfect together. That maybe I should give up on T and I if things are feeling so "not-quite-right", and try again with O, miles away from me (an hour and a half's drive), with no real track record of being good to me or treating me right, and whose parents (well, his mother at least) hate me.

That O could have been the inevitable IT.

WHY am I thinking like this? Who knows! The holiday with T to Spain has definitely passed my thoughts into the back of my memory, but they're still there, waiting to pounce when I'm on my own and least expect it. Am I crazy? T = perfect but I can't see it, O = so not perfect but I can see things so clearly. I'm really REALLY trying to see the former, but as I put it in Sex and the City terms to my housemate D, "T's Aiden, O's my Mr Big". It sounds cliched, but it really does sum it up perfectly. I just hope I don't go down the same route as Carrie with what she did to Aiden. And I hope I don't tell O that we should be together when I'm with T...

It's funny how things go full circle (I've been saying that a lot today - luckily for me, in the world of work, things aren't as rocky and have really perked up!). Look at what I just said. I'm a complete hypocrite! I tell T I'm worried he's going to do that to me, when I'm just as likely to do it myself. I tell T if we ever get to the point where we know it's over then just declare it's over, but I'm too afraid to take the bullet and say to T things aren't feeling right. T comforted me earlier by saying that he's never cheated, and he wouldn't lie to me, and I believe him on both counts, but look at me! I've cheated in the past, once badly (and I really learnt my lesson), and I'm probably lying my face off to T by not telling him exactly what I'm worried about. I should be the one worrying whether T trusts me or not, not the other way around!

I REALLY want things to work with T. Reading my previous posts, I get a huge smile on my face when I recall the early days and how great things were. His parents really like me, we're totally compatible, we just had a fantastic holiday together, he's the sweetest guy in the world. But if I keep on having this misguided thoughts on O, I'm going to break his heart. And probably mine in the process. And I'd lose T forever, which I don't want. And even if I don't, T would never let me go near O again, and I'd lose O forever.

Trust is a funny thing. I don't think I could bring myself to trust O after what he did to me last year when we broke up, but I'm seriously considering breaking the trust T has in me and giving it another shot. Yes, I've cheated in the past, but I don't think I could bring myself to now after having my heart broken with O. People do change, and therefore I have, but does that mean that O has too, and I could actually trust him with my heart again?

I've just got to decide, I guess, whether I trust myself.

There appear to be three men who rock my world at the moment. T, O and (oh no, not again) M. The latter still makes me melt. Again, that's bad. T and M know each other very well, and if I told T about how I used to (and apparently vaguely still) feel about M, he'd get really upset. Another reason why I'm not necessarily lying, but definitely not telling the full story to T about things. How bad am I...Poor, poor T.

Let's just hope I start to see sense again soon...

FPB

Comments

I've been feeling pretty awful recently. Having a stinking cold doesn't help, but that's not the real reasons why I've been feeling so bad.

Mainly, it's work which has been really wearing me down. I seem to have arrived at a level of stress which has changed me from an everyday organised person holding it successfully together with a strict schedule to an emotional, scatty mess of a woman. I got really good grades at uni, but I can't shake the feeling that all that means is that I'm just good at memory tests. I certainly am not feeling like I'm good at anything else! I feel all I do is make mistakes. I put so much effort into what I'm doing but am getting nothing useful out of it. I used to work late one night a week and now it's becoming every night, even when at the moment technically I'm not very busy. My confidence has shattered and my motivation has flown out of the window. My explanations when trying to show to my boss that I understand something or when creating a plan have become so incomprehensible that I fall a little deeper into the hole I've dug for myself which my boss then kicks over with dirt, making me less comfortable with showing my understanding and showing that I can do something or make the right decision. My to-do list is full of acronyms to look up, and phrases to explore and understand, and it's getting so long that it's becoming impossible to find time to catch up on them all. But if I don't, I feel I'm gonna start slipping behind. That's if I'm not already. I feel way behind all the boys and am really struggling to keep up.

The big question is, why am I feeling like this? When did it all start turning for the worst?

I don't want to look for one clear answer to my work problems. I don't want one grandioso factor to blame the whole lot on, as it will feel as if I'm just making excuses. The reason actually is more like I'm my own worst enemy. But here are a few prompters...

Firstly, my boss has a classic line which gets me every time - "You should know this". It kills me inside, as to hear that really bothers me. It's as if he hired me based on my uni grades and finding I'm not living up to his expectations, and every time he says it, I feel one step closer to being kicked out of there, when deep down I really do love my job and really want to succeed at what I do to prove I can do it.

Secondly, testing (a very practical aspect of my job, where practicality is not my forte) is extremely frustrating. I get results I'm vaguely happy with, prove them, but then find I've missed a factor and I feel I have to retake the whole lot. It's as if I don't trust myself! There's a student (a very clever one) who does most of the donkey work, but every time I appear to change my mind, I swear he loses a little more faith in me. And the scattier I become, the more intelligent he becomes, and I feel so belittled. My boss hinted that I should be managing him, and the more I struggle trying to find my own way with testing, the more I feel I'm doing a crap job at teaching a very diligent student. But if I look on the bright side, although it's slow, my thinking is becoming more and more practical, and I'm thinking in ways that a year or so ago I would never have thought with before.

I just wish it would happen a little faster. There seems very little leway for your own learning curve. Another reason I'm feeling so low at work is because of the meetings we've been having recently. Someone I trust deeply at work asked me point-blank in a meeting why I'd taken so long with testing, when he knew that I was still in the process of figuring it out myself. And in more recent meetings, I've been spoken over repeatedly when it comes to my work, and it's driving me insane. I can answer for myself! But the more I get spoken for, the more I feel that the people who my colleagues are speaking to lose faith and interest in what I'm doing. My boss is always labelling others as "good" and "not very good" - I wonder what they think I am? But the truth is, I can answer all they ask and do all that needs to be done. It's just I feel my boss has driven me to the point of low confidence where I'm beginning to freeze around him. Alongside the "You should know this" daggers, I feel he's been pestering and watching me closely. No matter what, he seems to always get things right, and even when I'm close to getting the right answer myself but can't find the words to explain it, I get interrupted by him. A couple of weeks ago, I couldn't take having him around, and just had to distance myself. One thing to look forward to though is that I'm getting a new boss soon in the form of a closer friend of mine at work, and thankfully, I can talk to him on the same level as myself rather than being belittled and interrupted all the time. Hopefully he'll see that I'm not as useless as I feel my boss makes out. Unfortunately, whether it was to make me believe in myself or whether I was just lying point-blank, I told my new boss that I was getting to the point where I didn't need as much managing as a brand new graduate anymore. But actually, I feel I need more managing than ever.

I desperately need to get my confidence back. I've offered to do a presentation at our annual conference in March, but if I get one interruption from my boss during any practice runs that I do, I fear I'll freeze up again. But if it goes well, hopefully I can prove that I do know my stuff, and I have managed to do something good since I started work. Maybe it will give me the boost I need.

Another boost will be if my project comes back and works. The first ever thing I made came back and only 1/4 of it worked. It turned out to be a mistake in manufacture beyond my control, but I couldn't help the feeling that it was my fault and that having the first thing I make come back not working would look terrible on how my boss views my progress. Then the next project I had input in to (actually, my new boss') I screwed up on that by missing out some shielding which rendered the project pretty useless. I could blame it on the final design review where most of these things get picked up but this one wasn't, or I could say that it wasn't the only mistake on it and that my new boss had also made a mistake, but as I already said, I don't want to start making excuses. I feel that I messed up what should have been a working project, but thousands of pounds later, it's been repaired. Thousands of pounds which needn't have been spent though...

So if my project comes back after the minor alterations it had from the last version and still doesn't work, I'll be devastated. So much is riding on this project being successful that if I fail, I don't think I could ever forgive myself. But if it works, maybe I'll begin to see that I am doing stuff well, and I'm not making mistakes 24/7 like I believe I am.

So that's my current working status - "needs to get out of rut". Definitely. Failure is not an option - I don't think I'd ever get over it if I quit, and deep down, I don't want to. I'm uber-stressed at the moment, and it's really not good for me as the scattiness and depression has extended into my social life.

T's been brilliant in helping talk things through for me - he's just as stressed with his current status as I am and has been working just as late, but luckily for him, people have started noticing and taking things slowly off his hands to drop the pressure. But inevitably, mutual stress led to T and I having our first fight, which was recently followed up by a second, even more intense and disturbing than the first.

The first was kinda trivial. I'd had a bad day at work, and had found out my housemate J was moving out so was in a foul mood, and T's "let's do what you want to do tonight" and "I really don't know what to say to your problems" attitude was really getting on my nerves, so I snapped at him. He got a bit upset, thinking that all the things which had put me in such a mood was because of him, but either way, we talked it out there and then, problem solved, and I stayed over his as planned. It was a good thing too, as it was just before three days of heavy snow which left me stranded at T's for the whole time.

But the second row detonated like dynamite. Again, I'd had a bad day at work, and it was time for our replacement housemate, G to move in. My other housemate, D, and I decided to go out drinking in order for us to get to know G a bit better.

A few glasses of fermented grape juice later, and T calls to say he's finished work. I tell him we're in the pub, and to come and join us. This prompted D to start giggling, and saying that he was under the thumb. Drunken me decides to call T back about an hour later to see where he's got to, and bless her, I do start playing the game to D that he is under the thumb and start pretending to boss him around a bit. Turns out he's still at work, he's been very busy recently, and as you may remember from my last post, getting quite stressed about it although he tries to keep it to himself. Nehoo, I can't remember what I said to him on the phone, but apparently it was along the lines of calling him a loser for still being at work...Oh dear...What a hypocrite I am! But the drink was flowing and I was feeling relaxed and happy enough to nag him about work when I'm just as bad myself.

He turned up to the pub eventually, and stayed for one drink. I could tell from his face that when he walked in the door that something wasn't right, but let it slip. Eventually, after talking about dancing and me criticising in my own special way that T wasn't the best leader there but still was coming along nicely (G does the same dancing as T and I do, and recognised T when he walked in the door for the same reasons as I was saying), T stands up, tells us rather abruptly that he's "not in the mood for this" and walks out of the pub. This is rather uncharacteristic of T for starters, and secondly, really upset me as it was in front of my new housemate, leaving a terrible first impression, and ruining the evening I had planned for T and I. Pub status turns from "will go home with T and make dinner after this drink" to "park myself at a table and start to fill my body up with wine to forget what just happened". Luckily, D informs G that that attitude was very uncharacteristic of T, which does soften my worries slightly, but by then, I was so angry.

A few hours later, I hear nothing from T, so gave him a ring. No answer, so I repeatedly try, something I don't tend to do but I really want to know why he stormed off like he did. I'm not used to arguments. I eventually get a text from him, telling me what I said to him that night. He was very upset, and felt I'd compromised every aspect of his personality with my apparently vicious tongue. I'd supposedly told him in my drunken state that he was a loser for staying at work so late, miserable for not getting drunk with us, crap at dancing and many other things I never thought I'd say. I start to panic, but as horrified as I am with what I said, I'm still seeing red. I eventually get through to him and try to talk it over, which in hindsight was a bad decision as I was still intoxicated. He told me he felt sick with what I said to him, that with work stressing him out and not going as well as he liked, to have his girlfriend launch a verbal attack at him feels to him like that side of his life was beginning to fall apart as well. I accuse him of attention seeking and we really begin to question how on earth did we get to this state? And are we really happy? I ask him whether he still wants me, that his silence of late when I know something's been up with him (see last post) makes me feel like he doesn't want to be with me anymore. All this from a few drinks and stress. I'm still pissed off with him for buggering off in front of my new housemate, and he's near to being inconsolable. We hang up and wait until the morning. I can't remember doing so. I stupidly texted O calling T all manner of names under the sun and immediately regret it along with my headache the morning after. Luckily, O informed me that he laughed as he knew I was drunk, deleted the texts, and went to bed. Phew!

Fortunately, I had a yoga workshop to go to the next day. I love yoga, it really is beginning to help me calm down, and it's the best thing for me that particular morning. I call T immediately and apologise for being such a bitch to him, but tell him that he shouldn't have stormed off like he did, and he probably was being overly sensitive. But not trying to make excuses again, I blame myself for the majority of what happened. It was all me that provoked it.

Yoga calmed me down to the point where I could talk sense, and I go over to T's in a dreamy state and begin to attempt to repair what I did to T. My stomach turns over from the moment I see him - his gorgeous brown eyes have lost their sparkle and are full of sadness. We talk it all out and I tell him sincerely that I do not want to ever EVER make him feel like that again. I don't think I've ever felt so awful in my life. He's the sweetest guy ever and I completely killed him that night.

We talked it out, and ended up having a fun weekend, going up to Bristol on the Saturday night. T met O (not as scary as it sounds, although I did fall over with nerves) and pretty much met every single one of my old crowd of friends at long last, and they all seemed to bond well. I have a holy grail of a picture with both T and O in it (some say it's risky and I do seriously wonder myself what sort of game I'm playing by getting them together), but the picture makes me smile. Mainly because I see O in the past and our great friendship now, and T of the future, with his gentle nature and how much I love him.

I'm still seriously scared that I've done some long term damage but all I can believe in now is that we'll be OK. And I'm sure we will be. But I'm so disgusted with myself for treating him that way. The reason is, O used to wind me up in exactly the same way that I wound up T that night, and some of the things which happened I don't know if I'll ever forgive O for truly breaking my heart. Where I used to suffer from O's words, I've now made T suffer. The roles have been reversed and the tables have turned. And I feel sick just thinking about it.

But nevertheless, I decided to continue the theme of role reversal, but in a different way. I decide to be the chivalrous one for a change. Still feeling awful for not having the night I had planned for T and I, and completely destroying him instead, I decide to surprise him. Dressing up in my newest dress and heels, I tell T to come on over for pancakes at mine. He arrives in his pyjamas looking sleepy and his jaw just drops when he opens the door to a dressed up me, which was exactly the reaction I wanted, heehee. After a brief detour to his to get some fancier clothes, I whisk him away to an all-expenses paid meal at one of the best restaurants in town. And I finally manage to restore the sparkle in his eyes. I don't think I've ever been that spontaneous, but it really rubbed off on T, and he was really touched to my efforts. I wanted him to feel special and happy, like he deserves to feel as he's such a super person, and I think I managed to pull it off well. A happy T. That's the T I want to see.

I think rows, however minor or major they are, are important once in a while to relationships, provided they're not 24/7 (I couldn't stand that!). In the aftermath and make up of a row, you really remember why you're with that person in the first place and learn a little bit more about them. T never responds to my work worries with "I don't know what to say" anymore. No matter how little he manages to say, he still says something in terms of advice to me, which really means a lot. And T's stopped being so quiet about his feelings. As you probably saw from my last post, he had kept quiet on me for ages about something, which alongside the usual work worries turned out to be just that he feels we're so similar that the little differences, such as our difference in musical tastes, are magnified and was worried that it would be an issue. Keeping quiet turned out to be a huge factor in starting off our huge argument, but we now know what makes each other tick and how to deal with each other's emotions. And our huge argument made us both realise that relationships are hard work, but we're both 100% willing to try. I'm determined to keep that sparkle in his eyes now I've returned it to it's rightful place. Hopefully I'll get out of my own rut and I'll get my own sparkle back too. T and I will get through our separate work ruts by working together on how to solve them, and I told my two closest work colleagues that I needed a chat, which I'll receive next week and will hopefully help me feel a lot better about things. With such a support network, I think I'll start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. At the end of the day, I guess I still need my boys to look after me once in a while, no matter how much I try to fend completely by myself and look after them. Hopefully, I'll never get into the position where I'll compromise the support of my loving gorgeous T again.

Take care all!

(Snotty) FPB

P.S. I found out later that T found my "Yeah, whatever" text immediately after he stormed out of the pub an extremely amusing expression, and my resulting decision to cut down on my alcohol consumption since the argument can only do me good. So even during the course of the action, some good things still came out of that awful night. But even so, keep your fingers crossed for me that I will never do anything like that again. Because T, I love you. And I'm gonna spend as much time as I can proving it.

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I've been thinking a lot about ice-breaking recently...

Firstly, things are back to normal with O. We've been chatting a lot recently and he seems fine. I guess I'll know tomorrow - it was his birthday on Tuesday so I'm going to visit him. It will be the first time I've seen him since he broke the ice about his feelings for me at the beginning of the new year, so I'm going to be on high security look out just in case, but I'm sure things will be fine. I'm really glad assuming he's back to normal - his outburst was not him at all and I was a bit worried about him. And I'm glad it never came to the point where I had to tell T about what happened, which is good.

T still has great admiration for O and I's friendship. I don't know whether he took a leaf out of my book, but T decided to break the ice with his ex, who he hasn't spoken to since they broke up over a year ago. He sent her a simple straightforward "Happy Birthday" text on her birthday, just over a week ago. Enough to say "Let's end this awkwardness and be civil to each other". And one week later, he got an equally straightforward "Thank you" back from her. I told T that I'd put the week long waiting period down to a lot of female analysing of the "Oh my god, what does he mean by his text?" type, just like us girls tend to do. Either way, I was proud of him for having the courage to finally make the first move. Apparently their mutual friends have been trying to piece things back together after the breakup and tiptoeing around them both, making sure they don't end up bumping into each other, and I hope for T's happiness that he can do that comfortably now. The ball's in his court to continue talking to her for now on, but for funsies, he decided to wait a week before getting back to her too

I also broke the ice rather spectacularly in meeting more of T's family a week or so ago, namely his eighty-five year old gran. We went to hers for lunch, and his parents had also come down, which made it the third time I'd met them. Apparently, his gran has quite a few war time stories to tell - I think she was in prison at some point! I'm sure I'll hear some of them one day. I love T's family, they're all really nice, totally honest with each other, and make me laugh - his gran was talking about her neighbours, lovingly proclaiming in her Belgian accent that she'd "kill them" at least twice during the time we visited! T's quite like his gran as well - when he talks about her, I can hear a lot of his personality coming out in what he says. And he has her eyes.

Anyways, his gran had a spectacular house, with shiny wooden floors everywhere, including the stairs. I decided to visit the bathroom about ten minutes before T and I were going to leave, and on coming back down the wooden stairs, promptly fell from the very top step, on my arse all the way to the bottom, even though I tried to hold on to the curtains to break my fall. Luckily for me, I was out of the line of sight from the in-laws, but the resulting *thump thump thump* that they heard could only have meant one thing. I was quite shaken! Luckily, coffee had just been made, and I sat myself down in a chair rather quickly with a hot sugary cup to get my nerves back. After the shock melted, all that was left was sheer embarrassment. And slight anger - I mean, what sort of eighty-five year old has slippy wooden stairs in her house?! I made my excuses and went back towards the stairs just before we left, mainly to check that I hadn't ripped his gran's curtains down whilst I slid down the stairs on the super-notsofun-painful-slide, and I got a unanimous "Careful.." echoing from T's parents. I have never been so embarrassed in all my life! I just wanted to hide under a blanket after that! At least I know now to invest in a pair of slipper socks before I next visit. I wonder how long it will take to live that one down...

Luckily, T saw my embarrassment, kissed my bruises back to health and put a smile back on my face. He knows just how to make me smile! We're in that stage of a relationship where you begin to notice the little things about each other that you never noticed before, like T's insatiable love of mushrooms (I've never known anyone to eat them raw and enjoy them as much as he does!) and his slight jealous streak (I'll have to watch that one...). I'm beginning to introduce some of my strange habits to him, like my empathy for inanimate objects. For example...I ate the peas off his plate the other day because I felt sorry for them as the rest had been eaten...I'm certainly not "hiding the crazy" any more, I guess! And he's learnt that if he leaves my house after me, that my cuddly toys like to be tucked up into bed He also knows that I'm terrible with house plants (I have a long-suffering orchid which I can't seem to keep happy). On Wednesday, when we had decided to have a "proper" dinner date, he brought me a little miniature rose in a pot. When I joked about how I'd unfortunately probably kill it in a matter of days, he reached into his bag. "I wasn't sure if I should give you these", he said, with a knowing glint in his, "in case you were insulted, but..." and produced a bunch of roses. Fake ones that I couldn't kill!

I smiled from ear to ear at this gesture, and I love it that he's picked up on the little things that matter to me! I feel that I can tell T about anything these days, and I'm beginning to tell him many things about me that I feel he should know. In fact, I've already unleashed a few, such as the fact I joined a dating site shortly after I broke up with O to make some friends and get my confidence back (see my earlier posts; what T doesn't know is that I'm still in contact with three of them (purely on a friend basis - they all know I have a boyfriend now) and I don't know how he'll take it - see the end of this post), the scar on my back (lost my virginity on a rock in Italy with an Italian, stupid girl - I've found Italian men pretty creepy since, so it's only fate/sod's law that my boss is Italian!), and that I'm thinking about going back on the pill - when you're having more sex now you're off it than you were when you used to be on it, it's really time to start considering it again! Especially when you're still waiting for things to start being "regular" again before doing so - currently, they're every eight weeks, and the waiting period between 4 and 8 weeks with no show is a scary one! On a more sobering note, I've also opened up to T about what my dad was like - he died when I was 15, and I always spare a thought for him on the day he died, which was 7 days after the millenium. This year, I spent that day with T, so told him what the day meant to me. T started asking me all these questions about him as a person, which was nice, as no one's ever asked me things like "What was he like" before, when I've told them about him. The best side of sharing things with T and I is that we share the same work ethic (burn yourself into the ground) and have talked a lot about how we cope with it. I really appreciate that side of him, and I'm amazed to find someone who feels the same as I do about work. I thought I was alone in this! I'm a bit of a perfectionist, and it can be a real self-esteem killer if you make tiny or frequent silly mistakes in the workplace, even if they don't affect what's being aimed for in the long term (as you may have seen from my previous posts). It's good to hear his advice, and it's good to give him mine.

I'm gearing up to have the "So how many people have you slept with?" conversation with T (I had that with my housemate last night; she had a few skeletons in her closet, but her magic number (7) was still less than mine (11..oh god! And she's older than me!)) I'd like to know T's mainly out of curiousity. Whatever it is, I'm certain it won't bother me, and I'm more bothered about what he'll think of my 11 (although apparently you're supposed to marry your 11th...) but I cannot believe how someone as good as T between the sheets would not have had a considerable amout of experience. He has a lot of female friends...are they admirers too, or past lovers? He gets about twenty pokes at any given time period on Facebook, and maybe I have a slight jealous streak too, but I'd really like to know who some of them are...I'm almost ready to tell him that his "In an Open Relationship" status on Facebook (put there to deter his ex, and for a joke) isn't that funny to me anymore, and that I wish he'd change it as it does bother me - no wonder he gets poked so much! I've even threatened games of "20 questions" or "I have never.." to find out the answers to my nosy questions, but just haven't had the guts to do so yet. If I want to know his secrets about his past, then I've got to be prepared to give him a few of my own.

On a side note, T also has no idea that I blog...according to him, he doesn't understand why people do it... Hmm, I guess I won't be telling him that I do for a while then! Not that he needs to know anyway - the amount I talk about him on here, comparing how I used to feel about him and how I feel about him now; neither would be things he'd like to hear from me. So I think that one's probably left frozen.

But the thing which has bothered me the most recently is that I can clearly see that T is unhappy about something, but is currently refusing to open up to me about whatever it is. I wish he'd break the ice on that one. Over the past week when he's come to see me, he hasn't been himself. At the weekend, he slept almost solidly, and was very quiet. He was very funny with me after our date on Wednesday, and barely wanted to hug or kiss me. We usually have no problem telling each other how we feel about each other (usually, it's too much for me!) but he wasn't responding to any of the nice things I was telling him via the medium of pillow talk after we'd gone to bed. Eventually, he seemed to snap out of it, but I could tell something was bothering him. But no matter how much I ask, he won't tell me what it is. I know he's really stressed at work at the moment (although he won't admit that "stress" is actually how he's feeling), and that's the most likely reason, but when someone's been so open to you about work issues before and it's one of the main things you talk about, it's a bit strange to keep them all to yourself all of a sudden. I wish he'd open up to me on this one. Perhaps the pea-eating and cuddly toy arranging freaked him out? In that case, this is bad...The silent treatment is a sure way to chicken out of telling someone it isn't working. Oh god, I hope it's not that. The reason for the detected jealous streak is because of a work colleague of his. A forty-year old work colleague who lives with his parents and collects train sets urm, no thank you) is apparently "flirting" with me. If it's that which is bothering T, I wish he'd just tell me, as he certainly has nothing to worry about there! T also gets annoyed about me liking actors - we've been watching Lost recently and I have/had a thing for Jack and Boon...mmmm! T does not like it at all, but it's only a silly actor! It's not as if anything's gonna happen with either actor, so I don't know what he has to feel jealous about there! But if it is jealousy, I'm sure there are ways to fix it, probably via what I say to him. Maybe I'm too open with my feelings about Jack and Boon?!

The bad thing is, that with his lack of opening up, I'm becoming a little more closed with each day it goes on as well. I'm feeling that perhaps I should start keeping my distance a bit with T. Chill the relationship back in time a little, take things slow again. Not that they're tearing along at hyperspeed, or I'm some kind of bunny boiler (because I'm certainly not - give me independence over neediness any day!) but even revert back a month or so when we weren't as close. I'm just really afraid he's going to flip if I keep pushing the situation. Or possibly even worse, I'll flip, due to sheer frustration. Or even worse that that, that he becomes a complete closed book and that will become a reason why we may not work in the long term. Is he not opening up to me on purpose? I sometimes feel at the moment as if I shouldn't be letting him find out about all my little strange habits, my past and my fears for the future; that he'll change his mind, drop me, and laugh about them and my ways behind my back afterwards. Perhaps I'm not used to such a sensitive and thoughtful guy - O certainly didn't have any troubles like this that I had to deal with, and I've never experienced jealousy from my boyfriend before.

Come on T, break the ice with me. Tell me what's wrong so we can talk it through and get you feeling better. I'm here for you!

Take care, and wish me luck!

FPB

Comments

It's been a long time again since I've been on here. I was gonna begin by telling you all how I'm looking forward to the New Year ahead, how happy I am these days and how glad I am the past is in the past. But a week ago today, all that could have changed!

O landed a huge bombshell on me - that he wanted to give it another shot. WHY now of all times, I don't know! It certainly wasn't a good way to start a new year off.

Nehoo, before I get onto that, let me tell you about my beloved T. Things are going extremely well. I've now met the parents, who are amazing and I get on really well with them, which is great, as parent-meeting really isn't my forte! T also took me to his favourite place in his hometown, a bridge where he used to send me strange texts from once upon a time, and it was beautiful! And right there, on a huge hotel balcony overlooking the bridge, I told him I loved him. And he returned the gesture, muttering to me, "Damn you for getting in there first..."! It was such a refreshing change to O, who took over a year and three heartbreaks on my part to finally tell me that he loved me back! With T and I, we'd been through several days of "I more-than-like you"'s, and I realised, deep down, that T was absolutely perfect for me. My feelings grew and grew up until the point where I couldn't keep it in any longer! So after more days of "I more-than-like you" battles, I decided that the next time we started saying that to each other again that I would go ahead and tell him how I felt. Of course, with the thought hanging over my head of how O responded the first time I told him I loved him, and the pain I felt afterwards when he told me rather bluntly that he didn't feel the same way, I wasn't going to say anything to T before I was sure that there was a strong possibility that he would return my feelings.

T's becoming a sturdy rock and an even stronger friend to me these days. We get the same worries about work, and we can talk each other out of them quite nicely. My mum dropped some unexpected skeletons from her past on me at Christmas which I talked through with him, and it was nice to be able to tell him things which I wouldn't have dared tell anyone else in the past. He knows secrets no one else knows. He brings me cups of tea in bed and runs me baths. We have great fun together doing all sorts of new and daft things (Ceroc, anyone?), and when it comes to *ahem*, other stuff, he completely blows me away. As I said, the guy is perfect for me. And I hope to be just as good to him as he is being to me! I'm confident in myself, happy with my life and extremely proud to be his girlfriend.

So I do not want O sniffing around me, but unfortunately (perhaps it's said new-found confidence which attracted him), O decided to tell me that he was been potentially thinking of giving things another go.

I guess it all started with a falling out I had with O's housemate's girlfriend, M. She's been someone I've never really got along with. As I've mentioned in previous blogs, O and I are and have been really good friends for a while now since we split up back in July. M (I guess because she's a psychologist) loves to analyse and advise ANYONE. Unfortunately, she can't see her own problems and issues which lie right in front of her, and believe me, she has plenty!

Anyway, after a few drinks one night, she decided to take me to one side, asking for a little "chat". She's done this before, and I guessed instantly what was coming. She began talking about O and I, a story retold so many times now I'm sick of it! Only this time, she was different.

A few weeks ago I admitted to O that I was seeing someone new, my dear T (see my last blog entry). O said he'd really like to meet T one day. It's a long story; as I've mentioned before, T's been my friend for years and O knows of him, and as T used to send me lonely texts from the bridge whilst O and I were together, O was always slightly wary of him (but in O's usual laid back, couldn't-care-less way, never let it bother him). Either way, I was pretty surprised when O said he wanted to meet T! I took his word for it and said I would introduce them one day, as T's shown similar hobbies to O and vice versa, and I genuinely expect that if I sat them both down with a few cold ones, they would both be happy sociable creatures. People said it would never work, but I was prepared to trust both of them to keep the peace. Turns out I may be too trusting!

But then M tells me, quite sternly, to "not ever introduce T to O, O couldn't handle it". Which is surprising, based on what O told me himself! She then began unravelling O and I's new found friendship piece by piece, which began to upset me. This is going way back to December now, and I was feeling a bit apprehensive about T and I. We'd only been going out a month then, take away the two weeks that I was in Florida for and you have a very new and fresh relationship. Something was feeling a bit awkward; I couldn't shift the feeling at the time that no matter how perfect T was for me, he wasn't O! So with that playing on my mind, I got a bit upset, and with M going onandonandon at me, I decided to simply walk away. Cue paranoia from M! I have to admit, drink was a huge factor in it all, but I was fed up, and at the time it seemed the best answer.

I went and found O, and asked him to tell me the truth - did he really feel that way about T?! He disagreed with everything M had told me, and said that yes, genuinely, he did want to meet T. I was in a bit of a state now - I felt with M's unravelling and meddling that I was being accused of messing with O's head, that somehow they all thought that T and I had had something going on months before O and I split up and T and I got together, and I was apologising to O profusely. I kept trying to explain that I didn't feel that way about T back then, and I had no idea that we would end up together, which is the god honest truth (as you will understand from my early blog entries)! So O sorted me out, calmed me down, which was really nice of him, and kept M at bay. Eventually, she barged into where O and I were talking, and asked me why I was upset with her. So I told her that she had told me that I should never introduce T to O.

I was called a liar right there and then, and she stormed off. One of the things I truly pride myself on is that I'm very honest, and this of course just upset me more. Thanks a lot M, way to cause a rift between me and my friends again, one of the most painful things about O and I's split in the early days! M and I had never seen eye to eye; she's really changed her boyfriend P, and has already told O that she thought P and I were spending too much time together, the cheeky cow! I think she just wanted me out of the picture for good.

So that was the big fall out with M; P and O luckily backed me up; they both know that M can be a little crazy sometimes, and O was mad at her for making me so upset when the only people where how O and I are doing these days should matter is, well, O and I! We haven't spoken about it since; decided to let sleeping dogs lie, as she showed no signs of wanting to kiss and make up. I've even been disowned off the almighty Facebook by her!

So, rather glumly in the depths of December, I waited for O and P to sort out M, as my plan was to go down to theirs for New Year's Eve. A strange move, I know - why not spend it with T? Firstly, I didn't want to spend this year with a boyfriend, and secondly, I wanted things to be cool with O and I again, so I didn't feel so guilty and that I had to explain myself around him all the time. And thirdly, because O and P's house parties are amazing!

It turned out that time's a great healer, so come New Year's Eve (after going home to Cornwall and visiting T's home town en-route, and the same in reverse) I tootle off down to O and P's. And I think that was my last sober moment of 2008! Cue many drunken shenanigans with O, and all our old friends, and a fun night was had. M spoke to me, so civility had finally been reached! Thank god! I also had a very drunken conversation with T at the stroke of midnight, where I promised him all sorts of naughtiness! But for old times' sake I decided to fall asleep at 2am; the party carried on until 8am. I know this, because at 8am, O came and woke me up, chattering like a monkey about all sorts of bollocks! There had been a few *ahem* "poisons" around the house that night and he'd participated in their use. It used to annoy me when we were together - I've never done anything like that, but O had no problem with it. He banned himself for doing things like that around me, but I guess now that we weren't together, he'd taken up his old hobby again. I guess it goes hand in hand with the DJ and club scene, a relationship he's unlikely to quit or falter on. Who knows?

The next day, after bringing in (or should that be bringing up?) the first day of the New Year with my head down the toilet (I must be getting old - that never used to happen the day after a heavy night drinking!) O and I cleaned up the house together, watched some South Park or something equally as non-brain-consuming, and I drove back home.

What a great New Year, I thought! I made myself a few resolutions, wrote them down, and started working on them straight away, from buying a new book and a new CD every month, to stop biting my nails (for the third year running..) Come the following Saturday, I'm sitting with my breakfast cereal in one hand and my laptop in the other, and up flashes a message from O...

"Hey fpbec, are you alone/free to talk?"

And I froze. This was not normal O. So I probed a little deeper.

He wanted me to come and see him, and talk face to face, trying to convince me that he'd changed and if I was willing to give it another shot, even though he knew I was with T, then he'd make it worth my while. He told me that he'd been doing months of thinking, that he was sure this was what he wanted, and that he wished he'd realised it sooner. He told me that he wished he'd woken up next to me at New Year's. He said that if I was willing to hear him out, we could end up talking for an hour and I would get angry at him, or we'd talk all through the night.

I was rather taken aback, although I had the faintest inkling that it was coming - he had been getting progressively rude about T when I'd mentioned him in the past few weeks. I just never thought heart-of-stone O's feelings would ever catch up with him. And I was fuming from the thought that everything M had scolded me about, and our resulting fallout, which would have affected P, was actually justified. Would I have to bite the bullet and apologise to her now?

After wanting to hit O around the head with a blunt object (O said I could pick my favourite), mulling over my thoughts and generally being angry as I was scared that this could be the end of our new found friendship, I came to a conclusion on my feelings.

At first I thought O was the elusive "One". But I don't believe in that, end of. I realised that the only feelings I had for O in terms of going back to him were because we were together for such a long time. And what made me realise the most that I'd moved on was the fact that I simply could not be bothered to travel all the way down to his (a good hour or so away) to hear him out. Nothing was going to come of it. T treats me so well compared to how O used to treat me, and I simply wasn't going to risk losing what I had with T and the thought of really wanting to see where things go with him over O, someone who constantly broke my heart. O's behaviour towards me was only a "maybe". A "maybe" is not worth the risk! Even if I did want to go back with O, or if fate ever crossed our paths again, now certainly was not the time. I love my new city, I love my new life and I love T! Maybe one day, things will go full-circle, but I don't want to know that now. All I want for O to do is find a beautiful girlfriend, where he feels the same way about her as I once felt about him. That girl, I do not believe, is me.

So, with some gentle persuading, I convinced O to move onto the phone instead of seeing each other in person, and decided to talk it out with him to the effect that we were still friends afterwards. In terms of what O said he'd lost by letting me go, I told him he was looking back at the past with rose tinted glasses. I told him how perfect T was for me, and rather awkwardly, I told O that I loved T. I told O that it was a case of too little, too late. I was happy now; he was happy (or so I had thought anyway!) and I had certainly moved on! And thankfully, after promising him that I wouldn't introduce T to him as soon as I'd originally planned, he began to see sense. He told me he felt a lot better after talking to me, that he had been viewing things with rose-tinted spectacles, and within a few days, he was back to normal, taking the piss out of me and generally not giving a care for whatever came his way. What can I say, I guess leopards never change their spots... O said he'd changed, and the first thing I notice about him a few days afterwards is how easily he got back to normal. But saying that, he made some pretty crucial new year's resolutions, some based on how he used to treat me, and he's sticking to them so far, but I'm gonna keep my distance for now, just in case. I think he'll be absolutely fine.

I'm not going to tell T what happened. He's got great respect for O and I's friendship, and I don't want to lose that. But if I have any more trouble from O, I'm going to have to tell him.

I saw T the same evening I had the talk with O, and trying not to let what O said affect me, I snuggled down into T's arms and looked into his beautiful big brown eyes. And I knew I'd made the right decision.

Take care folks!

FPB

Comments

It's been a while since I've written, as I've just been in Florida for two weeks, and VERY busy getting to know T better in the meantime! He is my boyfriend now, after all...

Hear that? He's my man! I finally cashed in my single status! It transferred from "seeing each other" to "relationship" about a month ago now, and I can't believe how happy I am about it. I'm positively glowing - I've got a near permanent smile on my face, work seems to be going a lot better and life in general is glorious.

You should have seen us at the Halloween party I mentioned in my last post. It was a work do, so T and I took the bus to the venue with the previously gorgeous M, and we exchanged glances all the way. M was very suspicious! And any chance we got, T and I were sneaking off for some gorgeous kisses, much to the amusement of the students who were also at the party and clocked what we were up to! Heehee. It was a free bar that night, so after drinking our fill, we partied until the early hours, teenage-snogged when we found a dark corner and had the chance, and spent the whole of the day after recovering and curled up together in bed. My kind of Saturday!

It was during those luxurious hours of lie-in that I decided to trade in my single status, and (as most things are officialised this way these days) changed my single status on Facebook! T seemed pleased with the outcome, although to my vague annoyance, he's still listed jokingly as "in an open relationship"!

We spent most of the week which followed dreaming about each other, then, right before I disappeared off to Florida on the 6th November, we saw each other again, and spent a fantastic night together. And yes..we did...you know... It was amazing! We didn't want to leave each other the morning after, but I had to go...

Which brings me on to today's subject - Independence. I've been really enjoying the freedom of the last three months of being single, doing my own thing, having fun and standing on my own two feet. I've found my courage again, and I'm more confident than ever. I've always been pretty independent - my family is quite small, just me and my mum since my dad passed away when I was fifteen, and it's stemmed from there really. I have the guts to do things most girls wouldn't dream of doing. And after all, I survive on a day-to-day basis in the male dominated environment which is my beloved job (By the way, things are back on track again now, and it's as awesome as ever!). My single time was the first time I'd been single in ages, and I really enjoyed it. But when crunch time came; deciding between starting a relationship with a man who was perfect for me in every way coming along a little earlier than I hoped, before he slipped through my fingers, and carrying on my single carefree ways, I chose the former option. The not-being-single-anymore doesn't bother me in the least (yay, regular sex is back again(!)), but can I still maintain my recently rediscovered independence now I'm coupled up?

The best part about going to Florida was that I went on my own. It was a work trip for a course , turned into a holiday by tagging on a few days of leftover annual leave on the end, and as no one else was in need of the course, I ended up signing up to do it solo. At first, I was intimidated - I was with O at the time and considered asking him along to go. But, for whatever reason that spending time with me in a place far far away was not attractive to him, he didn't want to go. So I was left with a choice - go for the course this year, when I really need it, wait until it comes round to London next year and go then, or wait until Florida again next year and see if anyone else is ready for it. I chose to go alone.

It wasn't until my work buddy A suggested that I stop off in Miami for my holiday to experience the nightlife that it really hit me that no one else was going with me, and that if I was going to have fun, I'd have to use my independence to get me through and go alone. All other aspects of my solo travels had been sorted out - transport through areas at night would be by taxi so I'd feel safe, and I'd meet people on the course to eat with during it's duration, so that wasn't a problem either. But holidaying alone? Would I be thought of of some sad excuse for a woman, with no friends, or would I be admired for my braveness? What about the nightlife? Would I be safe alone?

I decided to take the chance, and booked a ticket to see a DJ at a famous club in Miami. I also booked a surfing lesson, and decided that I would go to a club called B.E.D (featured in Sex and the City), also alone! Why should I prevent myself from doing such things because I was alone, scared of judgement or scared of walking the streets at night?

And wow, what a time I had doing those things! After tearing myself from T's warm arms early on the 7th November, I flew to Florida for thirteen days for my course. On my own, I stayed in a dodgy motel and met a cop, got asked out by a kind taxi-shuttle driver who bought me lunch and drinks on my way to the course (I politely declined), got drunk and took many iPhone pictures with a buddy I met on the course (I now want an iPhone, just for the photoswap application!), tootled along to Miami on the noisiest plane in the world, partied until 5am at my nightclub making three new random friends in the process, had a massage, went to B.E.D, swam in the sea, sunbathed in my gold bikini on the amazing beach, and stayed awake all night watching the stars on my flight back. Sure, going to the club alone was a little intimidating, but it was fine in the end - it turns out that podium dancing is the way forward when you party by yourself - no one can touch you and you get great views on the dance floor! I make it a rule also that I don't get drunk when I go clubbing alone so that I keep my head firmly screwed on (I've done it before in the UK, especially when I was a teenager, and during the early break up days of O and I when I wanted to still see all our mutual friends). And luckily for me, the hotel I'd booked coincidentally was just one block away from the club; I couldn't have stayed at a place any closer!

If I hadn't had my independence, I would have stayed in bed all day probably, sulking that I had no one to party with, no one to swim with and no one to eat with. It would have been a huge disappointment. In the end, the only disappointments were that my surfing lesson was cancelled as it was too flat to surf in Miami, and my hotel had construction work going on next door which woke me up quite early during my stay!

I say I went alone, but I took T with me in my mind. Loved up, and sometimes just feeling a bit horny, I sent him snapshots of myself from my holiday, some to blow his mind away (my mirrored bathroom in the course hotel worked a treat...), some to just simply share with him how crazy America was and how beautiful the ocean was. In fact, I got so used to taking pictures of myself, I may have got a little bit vain! On my last day in Miami, I got a random person to take a picture of myself on the beach. "What, you love yourself?" he asked in his American drool. I giggled, and said it was one for the boyfriend, which wasn't entirely untrue, but secretly, I was very proud. I was capturing the essence of my independence in the holiday snaps, and it made me really happy to be...well, me! Plus, who else was I going to get to take my holiday snaps (I guess one downside of travelling alone)! So yes, Mr American, a picture would be lovely, thank you very much. And don't you dare judge me!

T was awestruck by both my pictures, and in his own words, my bravery for going to the club alone. The fact he admires my independence is why I'm slowly falling in love with him. Since I got back just over a week ago, we've spent yet more amazing nights together - he couldn't keep his hands off me after remembering some of the naughtier pictures I sent him! Not that I could keep mine off him! I missed him a lot and we've spent a lot of time together.

This however worries me slightly. I'm painfully aware that I haven't been spending as much time with my housemates, J and D, as I was before T and I got together. T's been around a lot recently - his boiler broke, so after him braving many a cold shower, I asked D and J whether they would mind him coming to use our hot water, which of course they didn't. But part of me is afraid behind my back they're saying "Oh god, she's with her boyfriend...Again!" I'm gonna try and make the effort to keep things happy with D especially, but with so much exciting stuff happening with T, it's hard to keep the balance. I don't want to be defined by my boyfriend, I want my own friendship base in my new city to develop as well. If things all fell down with T, then I'd have no one to fall back on. It's ironic that I crave independence but am worried about this! My independence is definitely important to me - in the early days of T and I, I was afraid that his lovely, gentlemanly polite way with me, not letting me pay for anything myself, letting me always decide what we'd do, would end up smothering me.

I switched on the telly the other day when I was with T to find a program declaring to women of the world that they couldn't have it all. It made me so angry! "Why not?" I wanted to shout at the close minded woman on the telly. "Why can't we have it all? What's stopping us?" Why can't career women have happy families, and happy family women have a career? And why should independence be separated from co-dependence? Why do single successful women having fun get frowned upon, and on the flipside, why aren't coupled up women having fun viewed with the same disgust? They say you can't fall in love with someone else until you love yourself, but why can't you still be in love and love yourself at the same time?! I think T was quite taken aback with my fury at this program, as I threw the remote down from the sofa after switching channels!

At the end of the day, my decision to be with T was my own - I chose T at a time where I was loving being single, possibly cutting it shorter than I'd originally intended, over further single life waiting for the right guy to come along when T was long gone. I may be at risk of losing my independence, and I'm going to strive to "have it all", but it's letting yourself be vulnerable that makes you fall in love. And T's definitely worth it.

We've been telling everyone at work about our relationship recently. And the results are astounding - everyone's thrilled for us! Not surprised, but thrilled! Even O knows, which was a brave step, and he's really genuinely happy for us as well. I've come a long way since the dreary days I spent with him. It gives T and I a really good buzz to know everyone's as happy for us as we are with each other. Amusingly, T's getting a lot of "Get in there my son!", "Back in the game!" and "Lover boy" comments! Whatever would his missus say...

This week is full of Christmas do's, and breaking the news to even more people at work before we go out with them all, as a couple, on Friday. The week after that, I may be meeting the parents...! I'll keep you posted, but I expect (and hope) the further response to our news will be just as good as what we've received so far!

In the words of Jerry Springer, "Take care of yourselves, AND each other"...

FPB

Comments

Just come back from conferencing in Dresden, what a pretty city! And I'm glad to say, my German is getting better. In fact, in the next year or so, I aim to become fluent in at least one language, so German will be my first port of call (with the help of T - see later!)

I was presenting a poster for someone else at the conference. I'd have to say, although it was a great chance to attend the conference, I probably won't go representing someone else's work again. I didn't know enough about it to be able to be an expert in it when it came to answering questions, and it was really demotivating and disheartening, a bit of a confidence blow.

In fact, I've been feeling a lot like that lately. When all came crashing down with O, and I was living in a terrible house in my old village, the only stable thing in my life was my fantastic job, which I've been at for just over a year now and love to bits. But now, my job has started to become more and more unstable as the rest of my life finally stabilises again. Will the scales ever balance?

It started off when I started testing the project I've been working on for the last few months. I've always been more analytical and theoretical than practical, so I was dreading it. In fact, I started testing on the same day I split up with O, so it's been just over three months now. I've had many stresses since testing, which involved my project not actually working for some unknown reason (which I eventually figured out and was very thrilled that I had finally done so, as it wasn't due to my mistake!) to basing my method of testing on someone who had, shall we say, "tweaked" the results of his project to his liking, which had confused me greatly as I couldn't get the predicted results that way for mine! Luckily for me, my hero, my work buddy A taught me a method of testing that I understood a few weeks back and love him for it! My results are now as expected and I've got our placement student working hard on extracting them for me (poor guy, he gets all the repetitive jobs once I've decided something!) I just feel sick as I've wasted so much time...

Secondly, my other work buddy J's project isn't working. It's an upgrade from the last one he did, and I did a bit of work to it. It should work...but it doesn't. Although the problem isn't known yet, I can't help feeling that it's because of something I did for his project. I can just about cope with one project not working (as I just mentioned above), but two...That's not a good start!

I've mentioned previously that I work in a male dominated environment. One thing I dread is that the last woman who worked in our department was a bona fide crazy person! I joined just as she was leaving to have a baby. She used to laugh to herself, throw mugs around in the lab and scare our placement student, and generally was a bit strange. She also apparently never managed to get anything to work, and it's that which I dread the most! I don't want to follow in her footsteps and be labelled as the next crazy woman not being able to cope.

The other male-dominated related thing which really bothers me is that I'm never classed as an individual in the real world - I'm always assumed to be someone's girlfriend/wife/lover or someone in HR/marketing and not an engineer when I'm with my work buddies. When I've gone to play golf and we've paid separately, I've got pitying looks and comments about how I'm not being paid for by one of them. When I checked into our hotel in Dresden, they didn't even bother checking me in, they assumed I was sharing a room with A. I've been linked to J, A and my boss, and it's embarrassing! Plus it feels terrible when you're feeling bad about your current position in my job..not feeling very good about it!

One thing which really bothers me is when people say "You should know this" to me. It really upsets me. A did it the other day, but luckily, I told him straightaway how much it bothers me, and as he's a pretty good friend these days, he apologised repeatedly afterwards. Before that, when I had only just started out testing, my boss did it, and A knew about that, so he knew how I felt after he said it himself. I think it bothers me so much as O used to do it ALL the time. It really makes me feel like a huge fake and fraud - I sailed through university at the top of my year for four years running. Actually, that just means I'm good at exams. I'm crap, practically. And I feel soon like I'm gonna be found out and get fired for not living up to expectations. There's a girl who A knows quite well who seems to be superwoman - she can tackle everything and anything really well, and everyone loves her. Why can't I be that good at what I do?

What really topped my fears off off is that M, the guy I used to fancy the pants off before he announced he had a secret girlfriend (still cute, by the way), left me out of his Christmas do organisation. It was a complete accident, but a bit of a slap in the face. Like, "Here is what we'd be like if you weren't here"! It really upset me for a while.

I feel as if I have to work twice as hard as anyone else at what I do to be able to prove to myself that I can do my job. In the next couple of weeks before I disappear to Florida on another work trip (another one I feel I don't deserve) I need to really get finished on the testing front, and do a redesign of my project for remanufacture. The latter is not a lot of work to do, but all my colleagues reckon it's impossible for even them to redesign a part of the project in a fortnight. I feel I need to accomplish both to be able to prove myself. Am I just causing myself unwanted stress? Or is it better to stress myself out now and get it over with rather than letting it worry me in the future if I don't get it done?

So when it came to talking about someone else's project at this conference, I was forever stumbling over. I cannot blag about practical aspects of projects as I'm not strong enough in that field to do so, and together with my lack of explaining skills, I muddled myself up completely. I got pretty upset, so had to take some time out in the loos for a bit whilst I shed a stressed tear or two.

I was beginning to think about quitting my job as I didn't think I would ever be good enough to be able to keep up with the guys and the practical aspects of it. But I know if I was seriously thinking about quitting, I would have done so by now, and that deep down, I love my job.

Then I pulled myself together...This is SOMEONE ELSES project. I'm not expected to know everything about it. J's project will not be my fault until proven so, and the current thinking is that it's a manufacturing related problem. My testing is getting done, and if I put a couple of lates in this week coming, I can probably get the redesign done and become Superwoman myself. A's comment and M's leaving-me-out were both complete accidents, and I shouldn't let them affect me. I think my problem is, I'm my own worst enemy. I'm the one putting such strong demands on myself to perform. It's not a bad thing, but it is causing me unnecessary stress when I still have a heck of a lot to learn about my job. The Florida trip is for a course, and I do deserve to go on it, as I know that the course will help me out loads.

Still, despite the mild stress I've put myself through, I ran an event last Thursday with three others which ran effortlessly smoothly and was a huge hit. Perhaps I should be in HR after all!

Luckily, there's someone who understands me and isn't going to make me feel worse than I already do by telling me I should know stuff. T.

I "unleashed my crazy" on his (see Scrubs for a definition) and told him all what I've just told above, which I assume is normally taboo in the beginning of relationships (yes, I said it! Relationships Not much longer til I'll be in one now). And T listened! He listened, and he understood! I used to unleash the crazy on O back when we were together a lot, and O was a good ear, but I've never met anyone who listened AND understood before. T's been in the same situation as me, we're so ridiculously similar - he wasn't claiming overtime like he was allowed to do even though he was working stupid hours (9 til 9 for example - I eventually convinced him to start claiming overtime), as he thought he should be getting the work he was given done in work hours and wasn't feeling good enough to be where he is. On closer inspection, it also turned out that T had also flown high at uni with 84% overall (just like me), so it was so nice to be able to see myself in him. I told him I didn't want to burden him with my woes like I used to do with O, but he said it was OK, and he would say if he didn't want to hear it. What a sweet guy.

I'm also finding out some more VERY sexy and gorgeous things about him which make me want him even more. He's a quarter Belgian (Flemish? I dunno what you call someone from Belgium), can speak German pretty fluently (he loves his Belgian gran, who goes from English to Flemish to German and back again...aww) and is so polite (he thanks me for calling him, brings me dinner and doesn't let me pay for it!). I'm getting extremely close to moving from "seeing each other" to "boyfriend" now, I'm just waiting for the time to be right. I can really see myself falling in love with him. I'm probably looking too much into it, but T's turned from "luvsya" to "lovesya" in the past week or so...Ha, yeah, I'm probably looking too much into it!

The more I discover about him, the more I want to be with him. He looked so good at the event I organised on Thursday, I just wanted to grab him and kiss him all over! Work buddies and fellow graduates especially are starting to pick up on us as an item now anyway - apparently, there's been rumours said to T (that I cannot figure out who they originate from!) that T has been a bit of a romeo recently (hint-hint-hint-hint, nudge-nudge-wink-wink), T's workmates are rooting for him to go for it with me, and after the event, when he was holding my hand under the table, I'm sure we were spotted by my workmates. I don't really care if we're found out now, and I told T this. I'm really happy with him, and I'm almost certain we're going to give it a proper shot.

We've got another social event at work to attend on Halloween, and I'm fairly tempted to out ourselves as being an item then. I haven't quite decided yet though! I'm going away in less than two weeks time now for a fortnight, and I'm still really really enjoying my single-girl time at the moment (currently, I'm sitting in bed tapping away on my laptop, with pink pyjamas on, a pink hoodie and thick socks listening to Deadmau5..not very "I'm at the beginning of a potential relationship"py!

Nehoo, on that note, it's time to get up. I need to find an outfit for said Halloween! T's going as Borat, and I'm going as Bridget Jones!

Take care,

FPB

Comments

It's been a while since I've written. I've been a busy girl! Many deadlines have to be met at work (which is only made harder by the fact I'm waiting on others to get back from holiday before I go on business leave myself, which leaves me the space of about a week to do a month's work in), and I'm off to Germany (again, with work) tomorrow!

Plus (and here's the big news), my relationship with T has flourished...

I left my blog last time in a flurry of emotions. O had just dropped a bombshell on me, and T had left me on tenterhooks as to whether he was still interested in me.

Firstly, let me tell you about O... I decided to give the "I'm over you and this is closure" meeting I wanted the last time we saw each other another go. I invited him to come and see a DJ I love, which I knew he'd like too. I also booked in his birthday present (from last January...), which was a snowboarding lesson. I'd been wanting to give it a go myself for a while, so I booked in myself to join him too. And things were great! That weekend, he met my housemates, we went out clubbing and had a great time, had a chinese and a quiet night in the following night, and finished off with the snowboarding lesson on the Sunday, which I could tell he loved, and I had a great time too! It was just the sort of closure I'd been looking for from him. We're going to be absolutely fine as friends from now on, I'm sure of it. I'll be seeing him again at the beginning of November with some old friends of ours, which I'm really looking forward to.

The best part was - O acted exactly how he acted in our relationship - immature, taking the piss out of me most of the time, but good fun, as always, to hang out with. And I realised, this man was never meant for a long term relationship with me, that I had outgrown him for the better, and that I no longer felt about him that way or wanted anything from him emotionally at all. I wish I'd had the guts to see how bad we were as a couple way before we ended it, or that O was just a little bit more unkind to me in the early days and ended it himself without giving us a shot. He wasn't a terrible boyfriend - there are much worse men out there, but he was pretty bad in the loving me/caring for me/paying me attention/knowing how to treat me and how not to treat me department. It takes a lot to make O feel feelings, I know myself through first hand experience! I'm not bitter anymore though - I'm way past that. I hope one day, O finds someone who he cares about as much as I cared about him once upon a time and realises what he put me through, and I hope he's learnt from his mistakes with me to be able to love her with all his heart. I really mean that. And in that respect, I don't mind having been the "tester" girlfriend.

I'm ready for a proper relationship, where the other half of it cares a lot about me. And I think T can be the guy who can give me that.

We kissed for the first time a couple of weeks ago, right before the weekend of closure I had with O. He'd had a hard day, and wanted to see me. So I went round there, and gave him many hugs. I was sitting in front of him, slightly leaning back with him cuddling me from behind, and then it happened. After all the thoughts rushing through my head about how great it would be to kiss him, how much I regretted not kissing him before, I initiated the kiss myself. Gently at first, more of a "peck". But that got the ball rolling. By the end of the night, and a few Scrubs episodes later, we were kissing like our lives depended on it! And it felt wonderful.

T freaked out a little on the weekend I spent with O. Understandable really. I believe it stemmed from the fact I was now kissing him when before I'd shied away from him, and he just wanted to make sure we were on the same track. Or maybe it was the fact I'd just spent a whole weekend with my ex. I reassured him by inviting him over on the way back from my snowboarding lesson. Something really made me want to hold him that evening to finish off a great weekend. I told him that there was no need to worry, that O and I were completely finished - that I'd gone to see O to get the closure I craved, just as I've written above. He understood like a real gentleman should; after all, he'd been through it all with his ex himself. And I told him how I wanted to see how things would go between T and myself. And I meant it.

We spent the whole evening and part of the night together, where I learnt something new about T - he's trouble...Any fears I had before about his lack of/excess of experiences with his ex were completely shattered (see my previous post for that story!). T's going to be absolutely dynamite inbetween the sheets! He's amazing with his hands, and completely took my breath away. After we parted that night, he sent me some killer text messages that made me blush terribly when I saw him the following day at work in the canteen at lunchtime. We met up in the pub after work and couldn't say a word to each other, just kept locking eyes and smiling knowingly to ourselves.

We spent another evening together the following week after going out for the usual Wednesday night dancing, and whilst I held him in my arms, I realised I was hooked. T's absolutely gorgeous up close - lovely hair, beautiful brown eyes framed by dark eyelashes, and flawless skin. We had our hands all over each other and moved onto more magical things which I shall keep to myself which ended with both of us coming hard and fast...

The Friday after, I toned things down a little, stuck on a gorgeous dress, and he took me out for dinner at a restaurant I've been wanting to try for ages. Holding his hand across the table felt so right, and it was then I realised that this man was not simply fantastic, he was perfect for me, and we were perfect for each other. What the hell was I waiting for... After O and I split, I wrote a list of traits I would be looking for in my next boyfriend, not expecting to fill them all. But T has come along and ticked every single one of my boxes! He's intelligent, has great eyes, is taller than me, has great hair, doesn't smoke, certainly knows what he's doing is ambitious, not prone to jealousy, mature, sweet, well mannered, and fun! And extremely sexy. We woke up together for the first time the morning after, and it felt so good and so right to be beside him.

This week, he took me out to dinner (again!) as I was feeling blue after a bad day, which really cheered me up. I told him my worries, and he listened to me. I found out that we're even more similar than I'd originally thought - he gave me advice which I could understand and follow as he would have done the same in my position. It was a refreshing change from oppressive O, who would have taken the piss out of me or given harsh advice that made me feel worse.

We spent another night together last night, where I cooked for him for the first time, and my new learning of the evening was that he also has a great sense of humour that I can happily share with him! I didn't want to let him go this morning.

I can't believe I didn't see how fantastic and gorgeous this man was months ago! I can't believe I said I didn't fancy him before (although I do recall when I first met him thinking how cute and friendly he was - I must have blocked it out because I was completely in love with O at the time). Any feelings I had for M have now been completely swamped by the feelings I have for T. I must have been completely blind over the past two years since I met him, because now, I can't get him out of my head. I'm very close to cashing in my chips and saying "Hey T, you know what? Be my boyfriend! We're perfect for each other!"

We've kept everything very secret so far, and its only a matter of time before people at work catch on to us. And I'm not afraid of admitting our feelings for each other anymore. P and his girlfriend M visited me a week or so ago, and asked if I was seeing someone new, and I said a very confident "Yes"! They seem thrilled for me, and T was equally as thrilled when I told him that I'd told them the juicy gossip.

However, I'm still going to prevent myself from rushing into things. I feel a little jaded from my relationship with O still - that I know what's coming next and that I've been in this stage before, and despite our fantastic evenings together I keep feeling as if I'm committing quite bad faux pas when I'm out with T - sometimes it feels as if I'm acting as if I'm in a long term relationship still and that my relationship behaviour has merged, and that I'm acting "too comfortable" with T (our first dinner date ended with me groaning as I was too full up, instead of the sexy cocktails and night on the town I had planned for us later like a normal first date should consist of). Or perhaps that's a good sign? I feel I can be myself around T, so perhaps its a good thing I'm feeling so comfortable around him? After all, he has been my friend for almost two years. And comfort aside, there's some definite electricity between us!

As a precaution, I asked T to slow things down a few days ago (although it was great fun, and we haven't slept together yet, the naughty things we have done have rocketed ahead at a hell of a pace which is a little too fast for me). So far, things are working, like our fantastic evening together last night, and I'm learning new things about him everyday. He's such a gentleman, and I'm loving every minute of it. I love the way he looks at me with his big beautiful eyes and smiles proudly at me. I'm loving the fact that I'm feeling like I want a relationship with him. And I can't wait to see what happens.

I'm away for four days now, then two weeks later, I'm off for two weeks. That takes me up til the end of November. I have a feeling, by then, I'll know for sure whether to turn this into a proper relationship and allow myself to completely fall in love with him and be so vulnerable. I already am falling for him. And I already think I know the answer to my own question...

Take care!

FPB

Comments

Wow, what a week I've had! Talk about a roller coaster of emotions...

I realised about a fortnight ago that I am over O. I'm completely over O. However, apparently he's not over me. Of all the years of being a complete dry stone, he said all that I wanted him to say. But not when I wanted to hear it.

So here's what happened...

I decided last weekend that I really fancied a night out with my friend P. However, P lives with O and they're close buddies, have been since childhood. So, whilst asking P if he fancied a night out, I decided to invite along O as well. It was a good chance to see for sure that I was over O, especially with the sparks that had been recently developing with T on the cards.

So off I went.

It started off as a fabulously chilled evening. O cooked (he's a great cook, something I do miss dearly about him), we ate and drank wine as a happy threesome, then ventured out, beer in hand (and belly) to go to a local club, which happened to be my favourite.

I wandered around alone for a while before heading to the dance floor hosting the main DJ, where I merrily drank away and danced, eyeing up a few hotties on the dance floor. I decided, feeling brave and inspired by my housemate D a few weeks ago, to chat to these guys. And we really hit it off! They were fun, (younger than me, unfortunately) but very VERY cute. They headed off to have a cigarette once or twice, leaving me alone again on the dance floor.

During one of these flirting breaks, I decided to get myself another drink, and headed over to the bar, where I found O, standing watching the dance floor. Whether he saw me or not, I don't know, and I don't think it even matters, but I certainly wasn't prepared for what was about to come...

He told me he missed me.
He told me he had been thinking about giving us another shot.
He said that when I had walked into his house that night all confident, happy and calm in my single independent self, it had reminded him of the old days when we were first dating.

What a bombshell! Of course, it knocked me right off my happy independent "moved-on" pedestal. I couldn't believe he was doing this to me. I'd just completely uprooted myself to a new city, avoided all our mutual friends as it had felt so awkward, and now he was saying everything I wanted to hear, but not when I needed to hear it. I was distraught. Why couldn't he have figured this all out whilst we were still together?

I ended up miserable and in tears, crying yet again on poor P's shoulder. I don't know if he knew what O had said to me, or whether O had told him himself. O also told me he was convinced that O and I had kissed that night, which certainly was not true and just made me even angrier, as it seemed that it had been the justification he was using for all his feelings. Plus, it would NEVER have happened because I didn't want it to happen!

One very awkward night later, I woke up in O's bed. O was nowhere to be seen (I later found him on the sofa). We hadn't slept together - O had already forbidden anything like that from happening on the day of our breakup.

Laying there in his bed, fully clothed from the night before and a hangover kicking in, I couldn't believe I was back in it again. Something felt so familiar about the smell of that room (and the sheets he seldom washed..) Looking around, everything was just the same as before. The pepper plants he'd been growing had got bigger, but that was it. A picture of us still resided on his top shelf - the only one left in public appearance since our breakup. I had left it there to remind him of what he'd given up. Perhaps I shouldn't have left it there if I didn't want bombshells like this!

The thoughts of what to say in response to O's bombshell swam through my aching head all that morning. O eventually came into the room and apologised for his behaviour, and we began to talk. He re-iterated what he'd told me drunkenly last night, adding that he'd been a terrible boyfriend to me and felt awful for what he'd done on the cruise.

I told him yes, he had been terrible to me over the three years we were together.
I told him we certainly didn't kiss last night.
I told him even if he wanted to start things up again, I certainly didn't.
I told him even if I did, now would not be the time as I'd just uprooted myself.
I asked him angrily whether this meant I had to avoid seeing all the friends we'd made together in his town (especially dear P)

He said that it had been a relationship that should have ended a long time before it actually did. Something I'd often told myself during the bad times.

And then we laid down on his bed, two very separate people, but very much in the familiar situation of old times. We'd talked it out. I still felt a little sick that he'd realised all this now, but certainly wasn't wishing to find out if all he had told me was true by giving it another shot.

I spent most of Monday and Tuesday in an angry haze.

WHY why why couldn't O have figured this out sooner?
Why, if it should have ended such a long time ago, didn't he have the balls to dump me? Even during the bad times, I wanted to keep it going, otherwise I certainly would have had ended it myself. But being dumped in the early days would have saved a broken heart after three years.
Did all this new information mean that I had to go through the hell of not seeing our friends again to avoid the awkwardness of seeing O? I hope not.
Before the bombshell, O and I had just organised a load of fun friend-things to do together. Was this a huge mistake? Again, I hoped not.

So on that note, I'm going to see how things go with O. I'm seeing him for a DJ gig this weekend and a snowboarding lesson on Sunday. Hopefully it won't be awkward!

Plus, there was someone who dragged me out of my angry haze. T.

After being so lovely to me the week before, we decided to meet up on Tuesday - he was going to come and cook me pancakes. It would give my housemates a chance to see whether he was genuine or not, and whether he was a dark horse or not.

He came round, he made pancakes, he burnt them, we hugged, and we had a lovely evening together again, with more snuggling on the sofa. He impressed my housemate D, and once my other housemate J knew what was going on (he's not the sharpest knife in the box sometimes), he seemed to like him too.

I also had the chance to question T about his 5 year relationship which ended last year. T had told me in his last relationship, which ended last year after five and a half years (that's before uni, all through uni and out the other side - impressive!) he'd told a girl who he fancied and who fancied him that they should be together. Although nothing happened, it's pretty harsh to do that in a relationship. With my new found feelings for T, I had to know - was he likely to do the same to me, and whether he was a bit of a dark horse. Turns out the ex was in deep depression and no matter what he did, he couldn't make her happy (poor babe - explains why he's such a gentleman trying to make me happy all the time). She was also a devout catholic, and when they moved in together, was convinced that they were "living in sin". Ker-azy?! Why move in together if you're going to go around saying that afterwards?

This opens the question - does a five-and-a half year relationship make T a possible rocket in the bedroom? I'd say yes, in any normal situation. But does a five-and-a-half year relationship with a Catholic make T a possible rocket in the bedroom? Probably not! For my next boyfriend, I want someone who knows what they're doing in that department! I'm usually the teacher and never the pupil! Although I feel slightly shallow admitting it, feeling sexy is VERY important to me, and sex is very important to me in a relationship. I don't believe you can have a successful relationship without chemistry. The signs so far with T look good though - the way he stroked his hands over my curves and through my fingers in our more tender moments sent shivers down my spine. And he mentioned his ex broke the rules of Catholicism when she felt like it, so I expect he is experienced in that field. If no sex was involved in their relationship, then I expect he's VERY good at foreplay, and being such a gentleman, that makes him possibly even better! Heehee...

I talked over my thoughts on a relationship with D afterwards. She said he seemed very sweet, and obviously likes me as I was flirting with him (which I didn't actually realise I was doing - oh dear, am I a compulsive flirt?!)

I came up with two points why I shouldn't go for it with T...

1) He's not a great cook (he burnt the pancakes, which were supposed to be his speciality)
2) He's too gentlemanly (I like my independence)

If that's the bad points, then they're so insignificant it's definitely worth a shot!

So, bring on Wednesday, which was his birthday. I was going to make it extra special. I dressed in my best dress, took him to Ceroc, and despite his pleas against it, bought him 6 lessons in a row as his present (I threatened him with a Fat Lady Figurine we'd seen in the shops if he didn't accept, which worked!) We went to a bar and then back to his afterwards, and snuggled away into the early hours. I ran my fingers through his hair (Very nice hair! Plus point!) and it was the perfect night.

Come midnight, I decided it was time to go home, and with a lingering hug, went to get into my car. We were hugging face on this time, and I *knew* if I looked up at that moment, he was going to kiss me. And he tried to - lifting my head up gently but with determination. And I froze. I couldn't kiss him. It would have been the perfect end to a perfect evening, but it wasn't right. So I kissed him on his chest, and got into my car.

The drive home was torture - I almost turned around to go back and make things right. But I knew I'd done the right thing. How could I go from O, declaring his feelings for me and making me so angry at the beginning of the week, to starting up something new and exciting with T, who O was always wary of anyway?! It wasn't right. I still needed time to let O settle, and time to suss out T, and the way I felt about him myself.

I felt terrible. I'd only begun to get used to the fact that T felt so strongly for me, and had surprised myself in the way I'd found myself fancing T. I still wasn't there yet completely. My feelings for T weren't yet as strong as the feelings I'd had for M, or even O when we'd first met. I wanted to be sure that this was going to be right before heading off into a relationship and breaking such a sweet guy's heart.

The question in my head begged - was I leading T on by being so close to him then not letting him kiss me because I wasn't quite ready to yet, or would it have been worse if I'd gone ahead with the kiss then decided afterwards it wasn't the right thing to do and ended whatever we'd started? I'm pretty sure what I did was the best way to go. I knew I'd given him mixed signals, but I don't think I led him on in the long run.

We plodded on as usual - a stream of texts passed between us, him being his usual gentlemanly self, paying me loads of wonderful beautiful compliments. Until Friday. I dared to pay him a compliment back. He told me I was delicious, so I told him he was pretty tasty himself. And meant it! He said that he hoped I didn't feel obliged to say it, plunging me into a spiral of further thoughts. He's obviously confused as to how I acted on his birthday when he tried to kiss me.

And I haven't heard from him since. The texts have dried up. Has he changed his mind? Now I'm the confused one! It seems we've started to play games with each other, which is not good when I'm still trying to decide whether to go for it or not. Thoughts are running through my head such as:

Why oh why oh why didn't I kiss him? (Because I wasn't ready to)
Being with T would be so great, and I would be a stupid girl not to give it a shot, so what's stopping me? (My feelings for one - I'm still not sure how much I like him. I'm pretty sure I do quite like him as I can't get him out of my head, and the thoughts I've had about him have moved on from kissing and relationships to something a lot steamier (see previous comment on foreplay..mmm)
Do I think he was "The One"? No. (Do I believe in "The One"? No. (so that's not a problem!))
Do I need more time to think about this? Yes!
I want to be single for a while, but when you're single and haven't been single for long, and a great guy comes along who would be so perfect for you, do you go for it? When you're single, you're only single because you're waiting for that to happen, right?
What is O playing at? Have I entered a conundrum I can't get out of in arranging to do things with him over the next few weeks?

And more importantly...

Have I messed things up with T for good now? Has he put me in the friend zone? Are we going to go back to being friends or fizzle out completely?

As per usual, only time will tell. I've texted him three times over the weekend with not a single reply in return. It's certainly not boding well for me, and my feelings for him aren't growing stronger when I suspect he's playing games. I only have myself to blame for this, but did I really do anything wrong? I don't think so?!

As per usual, only time will tell...

Watch this space! Who knows what's going to happen?

FPB

Comments

It's been a while since my last post. I had a fabulous time in Cornwall, and really refreshed myself, both mentally and physically. I had two fantastic surfing lessons which I'm definitely going to be repeating, shopped to my heart's content, and finished off with a massage. And despite being hungover/still drunk this morning at work after a leaving do last night, I've had a very productive week, and work's back to being a lot more professional than it was before I left.

One main reason? I'm not constantly thinking about M. I don't like him anymore. Not really even as a friend. He's a jerk!

It turned out that the girlfriend he "first announced" before I left has actually been around for six months. Ouch... Talk about a slap in the face for both myself and this poor girlfriend of his! I couldn't believe it! Now, I'm not usually one to go blurting to the world that people have been flirting with me (I'm not going to go embarrassing myself with such accusations if they're not true), but he's definitely not acted like he's in a relationship headed for the long-term around me over a 6 month time period! I could understand his previous flirtatious behaviour around me if the relationship had been brand new and shiny as I'd originally expected, but six months?! That's as far back as March! The amount of things which he's said or done around me since then to make me think he liked me is staggering. Did I "think he was sexy", those looks he gave me, saying how pleased he was that I'd moved to the city...It makes my blood boil just thinking about how he's behaved.

And what about this mystery girlfriend? M's not acknowledging her as his girlfriend, flirted with me all this time, and has been around work declaring how good single life is (he asked me once why I was in a relationship, as apparently they're boring). No one even knows her name! What a jerk! I wonder what he tells this poor girl? It really sounds like he's leading her on...Hopefully she'll realise how much of a jerk he is before it's too late...

Turns out I'm not the only one who has gone off M recently though. A (another work buddy) and I were discussing M last night at the work do, and he mentioned before I did how surprised he was to find out M was in such a long relationship after keeping it so quiet, and that he found M very strange for keeping such things private and the way he acted and treated people at times. T's not a fan of M either, nor is S (although it's more a rivalry between S and M - I'll go into it another time if I can be bothered to spare another moment thinking about M).

I'm very glad I found out M's true colours before I did anything about it. Learnt yet another of life's lessons there - it was very good that I was just an observer in the end. I tried leaving things to fate when I wasn't sure whether M liked me, and turns out fate protected me from getting together with him and taught me a thing or two in the process. Funny how things turn out! I just hope his girlfriend figures out his immature games sooner rather than later. No one should be in a relationship where the other person doesn't even care to acknowledge them. I know that one myself first-hand from being with O.

And after M called me "stupid" today (how bloody dare he...), it's good riddance to the wannabe player. I'm not going to waste another moment thinking about him.

The week off work also gave me plenty of time to think about someone else who has been on my mind a lot recently. My dear T.

I've been thinking about him a lot. How great a relationship WOULD be with him. And after apparently being in denial all this time and telling myself I wasn't attracted to him, it turns out I actually like him a heck of a lot more than I originally thought. And I hope he likes me back.

My friend P in Cornwall highlighted this fact for me. T and I have been texting each other a lot recently! Noticing the huge smile sweep across my face every time I received a text made P ask who it was who was causing it. P's got the same wisdom about my relationships as my mother does - he's usually right about what he predicts will happen about them. And he gave me a good smirk when I told him who this mystery texter was. In his eyes, it must be a good thing if he's making me smile so much.

I told my mum about him as well. My mum and I are very close and talk about everything. When I told her about how T was perfect, but I didn't find myself attracted to him, she told me that it doesn't necessarily start that way. Love grows. And it certainly has.

He's the sweetest guy. We're spending a lot of time talking and going out together and there's definitely a spark there. His texts range from loveable and cheeky to very flirty, and it's creeping into when we meet up now as well. We've got to the stage where we make tiny gestures to tell each other we like each other. D'aww...

On Wednesday, we went out dancing together (I'm going to buy T a string of lessons for his birthday next Wednesday, which I intend to make special). After an evening of having to hold hands when dancing, I was surprised to find myself mindlessly continuing to hold his hand afterwards. He put his arm around me on the way home, and it was so comfortable and warm just walking with him. When we got back to his, we cuddled up on the sofa together looking through the city A-Z (something to distract both of us from each other - looks like we're both a bit scared of making a move!), and he ran his fingers gently over my legs and arms. It was really lovely. I've never known any guy to be so gentlemanly and polite as T. He kept trying to give me his coat on the way home even though he was shivering himself and had a bit of a cold (I declined and told him to wear it, as I didn't want him getting ill!) He's always calling me gorgeous and sending me kisses

I was going to suggest more sofa cuddles and a film tonight, but he's gone away for the weekend. I'm a bit gutted! I wanted another evening like Wednesday. I wish he'd stuck around. Damn! I find I'm smiling even just thinking about him now!

I'm not rushing into anything. As I've learnt so many times from past attractions, my crushes can range from a few days to months. I want to make sure that this one doesn't go away before I do anything about it. Perhaps I only am noticing T now because M's off the cards for good, and I need someone new to fancy? I hope that's not the case. I hope my feelings are genuine, as it would be so perfect. Plus, it gives it plenty more time to build up, and I'm really loving the sparks at the moment All I can think about is holding T, kissing T and all kinds of relationship type scenarios easily play out in my mind, which I'm taking as a very good sign that I like him and that feeling's not going to go away for a while!

Of course, I've only just become single as well. If I rush into something new, I think I'll regret not making the most of getting to know myself and being on my own for the first time in years. I've left the dating site I was making new friends on, which says to me I've kinda got it into my head that something is very likely (possibly certain) to happen with T if I want it to happen. After all, when you're single and like someone, generally you try and see if anything happens with that person and no one else stands a chance, right? You're faithful to the person you adore, regardless of whether you're in a relationship or not. So if I'm falling for T, I'm not going to be looking elsewhere, so what's the difference between whether we're actually going to start something today or in months to come if my feelings remain?

The last thing I need after O is another broken heart, and I'm feeling a little scared about trying for another relationship again with the possibility (and usually inevitability) of that happening. I don't think T would do that to me (I hope he won't!) but I don't know much about his out-of-work life, and what I do know I've only really learnt recently. I have a lot more to find out about him, what makes him tick and how he acts around other female friends. We appear to have a heck of a lot in common, and I want to find out more. I don't know if there's any other girls on the cards back at home, or, whether at the end of the day, if he actually likes me after the mess that I ended up having with M. I misjudged M so badly, what if I'm misjudging T right now? What if this is just normal for him and other girls? Again, I hope I'm not. I got a bit nervous earlier when we met for a drink, as he seemed to be more in friend mode again, but the text he sent me as I left (a simple " x") and all the texts which have followed this evening have taken those nerves away again.

I'm going down to see O and his housemate P (not the same one as I've mentioned above) tomorrow. I miss P a lot, as I've mentioned in previous posts before, so it'll be good to see him, but I also want to know how I feel about O these days. Am I ready to be thinking about another relationship again?

Who knows...Again, it's all about time. So I'm going to continue thinking about T and I, and the long coat I want to buy myself and him to wrap me up in when the winter months draw in before kissing me (too many chick flicks, anyone??) It's an interesting and exciting thought!

I'll keep you posted.

FPB

Comments

Tall ships bring back some extremely happy memories from earlier on this year in June, where I lived life on board a square brig for a week long voyage as part of a training programme at work with my fellow graduates. We went from Wales to Ireland, around the coast, and back over to Liverpool. There were twenty-four of us, including the ever gorgeous M and my dear sweet friend T. Even though (to my disappointment) the ship we sailed on wasn't there today, just seeing the masts of such a ship again for the first time since the voyage made me smile.

Unfortunately, I was one of only a handful of the twenty-four of us who enjoyed that trip. I nicknamed the rest "The Cool Kids", as all they did was complain all week, especially one really moody girl who's a little princess so stuffed up her own arse that she annoyed even those who had known her for a long time. I threw myself into the challenge and got a lot out of it, and learnt a lot in the process.

I'm not just talking about sailing - I'm talking about the following five unconventional learning points that I picked up from living in close quarters and from time reflecting on my own...

Firstly,

1) Don't neglect a friend when they're in need.

I'm talking about dear T here. Around last Christmas, when we were really good friends, he came out of a long term relationship of over five years. He started sending me odd texts, which were basically his thoughts in words. My ex, O, said this was just attention seeking, emo, that he probably fancied me and I should ignore him when he does this. I, completely besotted with O at the time and taking his words as gold, got nervous of these texts, and gradually neglected T. We became more distant from each other and barely spoke. Then, on the ship, I saw this fantastically chirpy side to him which made me remember why he was my friend in the first place. After the voyage, unshowered and over a double chocolate cookie and a coffee in a service station, I apologised to him for not being there when he was obviously crying out for a friend, someone to talk to whilst he was feeling so low about his breakup. Today, he's over his ex, our friendship has been repaired, and we're closer than ever, especially now that we both live in the city. I'm definitely making up for lost time.

2) I have no time for "cool kids".

M was admirable on the ship, for his great sense of adventure that was completely contagious (probably even moreso for someone who fancied him, AKA, moi...). He had no fear for climbing the masts, and if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have gone up them myself, which earnt me a prize a couple months later for my enthusiasm, heehee. I was in his group for the week, and so I spent a great amount of my time with M, trying to get to know him even when we weren't actually doing anything important in particular for the boat. One night, M, I and another graduate went to an Irish pub, where I was, shall we say, extremely popular with the locals (I'm apparently now betrothed to an Irish barman)! I spent all my time talking to them and ignoring M and the other grad, which I now regret as it would have been the perfect time to get to know M better! Oh well, it was a very memorable evening with the Irish locals and much Guinness! M and I flirted during the week as well, clipping himself onto me with his safety harness before climbing the masts, hugging me when I made it up there myself for the first time, which of course definitely put a smile on my face! And I had had a VERY sexy dream about him on board the ship, involving chocolate cheesecake/mousse, his body, and me starting from the contours of his neck and slowly working my way down on him...mmmmm....

However, M unfortunately turned to the dark side and became one of the aforementioned "Cool kids" by the end of the week. I was sick of their moaning and trying to get everyone else to join their clan and bond via such moaning, so I was not very happy when I found M doing the same. He changed character completely from the guy I was patiently trying to understand and know better. On one particular evening, I was trying to talk to him, and he physically barged me out of the way to go and join them instead. What a jerk!

Having had enough by then, I decided I wasn't going to let them ruin my enjoyment of the event. Even though they turned their noses at me and my go-getter attitude on the boat, I plodded on, and got the most I could have got out of it. It only did wonders for me - for them, the last I heard was that their supervisors were being spoken to by the organiser, especially the stuck up princess's. Ha. Serves them all right.

3) Sides of yourself which you think you lost ages ago will resurface when necessary

Back as a teenager, I was naive. I had an optimistic view on life, and didn't think half as much about things as I do now. I missed that cheery outlook on life as my wisdom began to take over. But with age, a tough start to my relationship with O (see below), and experience, I grew less naive, and figured that that side of me had gone forever...

Until the ship. I don't know what got into me, but I was a bundle of smiles and happiness on that ship, just like I was in the old days! I lifted everyone's spirits, especially the crews', and kept my fellow graduates comfortable and happy. This included spending quality time with M, getting the engineer on board to dry our towels, and the aforementioned fun night in Ireland, where the songs "Just Looking" by the Stereophonics, "With or Without You" by U2, and "So Young" by the Corrs which I'd stuck on the juke box will always bring back memories of that week and how I felt!

4) Craving closeness/flirting whilst away from your loved one is healthy and natural

I'm talking about S here. I mentioned him a few blogs ago - his fiancee hates me even though I've never met her. The time I spent with S on the ship is the only time where this could be justified.

S and I flirted...a lot, even though we were both in long term relationships at the time. He teased me about my bikini, he placed his hand on my knee, he hugged me constantly - all fairly innocent at the end of the day. When things got a bit too intense, I told him so, and that was the end of the flirting (I wore my bikini out underneath a polo shirt so that just the halter neck was visible and he couldn't keep his hands away from "my 34B's" ! Even M gave me a sexy lingering glance up and down when I wore that simple combination )

I spoke to S the day after, and he apologised for where it had got too much. As I've mentioned in previous blog posts, I don't think there's anything wrong with innocent flirting, crushes and cuddles in a long term relationship, and whilst we were both away from our loved ones, we craved this attention from someone and had been drawn to each other.

It later turned out that S's grandfather had died whilst S was on the voyage and he hadn't told a soul - no wonder he craved some comfort! So we left it at that; no more flirting, but having got to know each other a lot better as friends. Even though keeping the friendship with S has become difficult because of his fiancee, it would be lovely to keep it going because of the fun times we shared on the ship (he wasn't a cool kid either, so we both enjoyed the experience of being on the ship for a week without feeling guilty or stupid about participating in sailing it when we were around each other).

And finally, 5) O and I weren't right for each other.

I kinda already knew this before the ship wrenched it out of me. Our turning point had been the horrible holiday we went on a month prior to the Tall Ships trip. The holiday had been a cruise, and O had spent very little time with me, and had been horrible to me when we did spend time together. His parents had completely humiliated me on the last night, which was a horrible experience, and the holiday had ended in a huge row with O. I can't stand the thought of a cruise again! Inbetween the cruise and the tall ships voyage, O and I had spent very little time together, and when I had visited him, I'd spent more quality time with O's housemate than O himself, who was too wrapped up in his own world to even give me a second thought.

Going on the Tall Ship had given me plenty of alone time to reflect on the cruise and my recent feelings. The flirting with S had made me feel desired and wanted again, which I hadn't felt for a long time in my relationship with O, I had a huge crush on M which wouldn't go away like the crushes before him had done, and O hadn't phoned or texted me the whole week. I had had so much fun on my own, and I knew by then that it was probably over.

So, many many learning points. I miss that ship so much, and would love to take the week again (minus the graduate tasks they made us do which ended up being completely pointless - the supervisors they sent with us were absolutely terrible, but were the only downside in my opinion of the whole week). We had a fantastic last night on that ship - it was a rainy, windy night and we had all the sails up! M and I's group were on watch from 12 to 4 on the last morning, and even though the timing was tough, we'd definitely struck gold. It was incredibly exciting. I was so inspired by that night that I wrote an article on it which I'm still waiting to get publised by our work's magazine - I'll keep you posted, as if it does get through, it'll be a real writing achievement for me and give me confidence to write bigger, better things!

So, there I was today, three months after the voyage had ended, looking around the ships, reliving memories of the times I had on ours, how sexy M is (oh dear, I fear I'm creeping down that path again after a week of forbidding myself from thinking about him at all now he's got a girlfriend...), how happy I am that T and I are so close these days (close enough for a relationship..?) when I look out to the sea and into the distance and recoil in a moment of sadness...

I saw a huge cruise ship floating offshore, just like O and I's did on the last terrible day of our holiday when we went to Guernsey and it was too big to enter the port. And the horrible memories of him come flooding back.

And it made me realise, even though I'm learning about myself on a daily basis, I still don't know what I want or where I'm going after such a huge change in my life.

O represented all my old dreams. We were together for so long it was all laid out. We were so comfortable with each other's company. He understood and helped me through my work, I was prepared to marry him, have children with him, put my job second to put him first, put up with his laziness and fussy eating habits, whilst he, after all the time we spent together, wasn't prepared to do any of that for me. He took over a year to tell me that he loved me. I'd been reduced to a mess by the time he finally did. I should have ended it back then when he broke my heart the first time...

I don't think I'm ready to do all that and go through all that again with someone else. I have new dreams; I just can't see them yet. I'm not particularly fussed on marriage anymore, I don't know if I want children, and my job comes first (even though it's been distracted by M at times recently...). But all that aside, I can't go through the bad times again.

How can I start the whole dating game with all this on my mind?

And M, gorgeous, sexy M who's so wrong for me, why am I thinking about him again? I don't think dropping my feelings completely for him is the way forward after all, which was the original method of getting over him that I mentioned in my blog a few days ago. I'm going to have to drop them slowly, which sucks. I wrote down exactly why we weren't ever going to work before I came to Cornwall and read through it today, and it doesn't seem as easy to follow or believe as it did today. Bugger. He's going to be on my mind for longer than I imagined, I guess, and until then, I don't think many (or any) others stand a chance. I don't want to fancy him anymore!

And on the flipside, dear T, who would be so right for me, but I can't bring myself to feel attracted to him... Yet.

I've been told love takes time. Forgetting love certainly does!

So I'll plod on as usual, as I often say. I've taken two surfing lessons this week, which were fantastic. I'm definitely coming back for more at Christmas. I look good in a wetsuit, heehee. M's got a picture of him posing in a wetsuit as well, so perhaps we can compare notes and see who looks better! Perhaps I'll suggest it when I get back to the office! Nehoo, I'm still building on my multiple, new interests whilst nocturnal, close-minded, cold-hearted O sits at his computer, probably in his boxers, just as I remember him, telling me all and only about his work...and I'm pleased to say I find what he tells me boring, as that all he talks about! The 13th is the day of the month on which we got together (yeah, I know it's cheesy), and instead of wallowing in self pity, I'm having a massage.

I've also drunk a lot of wine this week, but hell, I'm on holiday, and I'm just about to go and have another...

Cheers!

FPB

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It's got its downsides, such as:

1) Not having decent sex with someone you love available 24/7
2) Not having someone to cuddle when you're feeling down
3) Not having a companion to dine with/do things with

But on the other hand, it has many plus sides, such as:

1) Not having to worry about someone else and being able to do what you want
2) Having a bed to myself
3) Coming off the pill and not worrying about forgetting to take it

And personally, for me:
4) Not feeling guilty about fancying the gorgeous M at work.

I mentioned M yesterday. He, J and A are my favourite people at work. I've had a crush on M almost as long as I started my job, which has been almost a year now. Yes, even before my relationship ended with O, guiltily, M was a happy but pleasurable little fantasy that I kept all to myself.

In fairness, it was M who started it. I didn't like him at first - he'd made a bit of a mean comment when I didn't want to drive to a work do on a motorway, as I started working just after I'd passed my test and was still a little nervous about driving to places I didn't know (I still am). However, one particularly rainy day I strolled into work as per usual, not wearing anything particularly stunning (I believe it was a black top and jeans), and he called me "glamorous". Glamorous! That's not a comment you hear everyday!

And so, my guilty pleasure started. I swore to myself that if I was ever single, M would be in serious trouble...

I believe that even if you're in a happy relationship, you don't stop thinking, even if it's only for a split second, about other people. I think it's perfectly healthy to have a crush on someone else whilst you have a long term relationship. I believe it spices up the relationship, as you're sticking with your other half, even though other options are tempting and available. But you still feel guilty about fancying someone else. It's the age-old catch 22 dilemma which goes as follows: In a relationship, you dream about being single, and when you're single, you dream about being in a relationship.

My other theory is something I've noticed about myself - I don't know if it's universal, but generally, I start to fancy someone a lot more if they've shown/hinted/told me that they've fancied me. Perhaps that's what happened with M...

The reason I say this, is that he's not my usual type. We have very little in common, he can be very ungentlemanly, and conversation doesn't flow that easily. However, he's shown me interest, albeit in mixed signal form. I've had him asking me whether I thought he was sexy, the usual can't-look-each-other-in-the-eye sparks and some really sexy smiles, he paid me a genuine compliment about my writing efforts, which meant a lot to me, and he listens to what I have to say, and brings it up in conversation later, which is a talent I rarely find in a man! Unfortunately, I've also had him barging me out the way, not replying in the rare moments where I've had the guts to text him, and slamming doors in my face. And, in what appears to define any relationship these days, when I changed my Facebook status to "it's complicated" after breaking up with O, he changed his from "single" to hidden. Typical.

My theory is that M did once fancy me, but for whatever reason, decided against it. Maybe it was because I was with O, who knows? I'm beginning not to care anymore, as over the past month, I've been slowly going off M, for the mixed signals and the reasons I've already stated. The guy is seriously hot, but that's it, and I started to see some form of sense. And highly unfortunately for me, he announced on Friday that he was going for dinner. With his girlfriend. He didn't seem particularly keen to give away this information, but luckily it was A who asked, not me. I was pretty dismayed - it was the first any of us had heard about this. I'm just glad he didn't get this girlfriend when I was at the height of my passion for him - I think I would have had a breakdown! I'm not a bad girl - I would never steal someone's boyfriend, so my feelings for M have come to an abrupt halt since the announcement (like the artist in Love Actually who decides enough's enough after telling Keira Knightley's character that he loves her, even though she's married to his best friend). Maybe they will break up - I'm not going to be waiting around for him, that's for sure. It would drive me, and probably M, crazy. It's time to move on and work on getting to know him better as a friend and workmate, just the same as I'm getting to know J and A better. Now I'm not shy of talking to M and can actually look him in the eyes without blushing, it should be a lot easier to talk to him and get to know him - isn't that always the case once you know you don't fancy someone?

But that news has left me with a new dilemma - the fact that I do not fancy anyone else. I can honestly say at this particular moment, there's no one I truly fancy. This sucks, as it means that fantasy-related material is scarce. If I'm feeling horny and want to come, who do I think of now?! What is going on?!

My eyes have started to wander to search for a new object of private affection to fill the space which M left. My other workmate, A, has a confident quirk about him which I do find vaguely attractive, he's great fun, and we flirt on a just-friends basis (i.e. it's easy to flirt with him as nothing will ever happen, unlike the difficultly I had flirting with M) but unfortunately, in general, I don't find him that attractive, plus he knows O.. It would be weird. However, he's crept into my head quite a lot recently. My head's telling me "What are you doing? You don't fancy A!" whilst my body's crying out for him. I've got a similar situation going with another workmate, T. He's the nicest guy ever, and a relationship on paper looks perfect. But I don't fancy him, and don't think I ever could. Even though he's not popping into my head as much as A, he's trying to.

Nehoo, enough about fantasies. Perhaps I'm just horny. I'm generally a "highly charged" person, shall we say... I'm most definitely confused. I think my mind is highlighting guys who are so completely different from O. It would explain why I fancied M, someone who I had pretty much nothing in common with, so much. M's an active guy, O was the laziest person ever. Not bothered about anything.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to date yet, either. One half of me is saying "Yeah, looks like fun!" but I'd like to stay single for a while, and dating always has the danger of finding someone you like and entering a relationship again. I don't want to go and get myself into another 3 year relationship after just 2 months of being single - I deserve some time out, and I'd like my time-spent-single vs time-spent-in-relationship ratio to even out! Plus, for anyone who's read "Come Together" by Josie Lloyd and Emlyn Rees (highly recommended), my promiscuity ratio will be a lot less by the time I reach my next birthday if I stay single!

However, attempts to wreck my newly single bubble have already been made. After M's mood-destroying announcement on Friday, him, A and my other workmate J started talking about me meeting American boys when I go to Florida in November. Before that, they mentioned about me meeting surfer boys when I do my surfing lessons in Cornwall (i.e. today - the lesson was brilliant, and I've got another on Thursday). Why is everyone so keen to set me up now? I'm sure they're not going to be the only people who attempt to do this in the immediate future.

I mentioned yesterday, I joined an internet dating website to find new friends, and clearly state so on my profile. I really can't imagine going on this site to find dates, in my current state. I've probably come across as a cold-hearted bitch, but I've been quite harsh to anyone who's approached me on there for dating. It sounds really hypocritical as well, but like meeting new friends, I don't particularly want to meet my next boyfriend on an internet dating site - I'd feel really embarrassed explaining to friends where we'd first met! Same goes for speed dating - I'd love to have a go at that sometime.

Again, looking for more conventional means, I've looked at my new housemate, J's, habits. He practically has a date every night - how does he do this? Perhaps when I'm ready to date again, I'll ask him how he does it. It seems so carefree and happy. I'd like to live his life for a while. Unfortunately, with J's dating habit, there's two more fears which go alongside the fear of meeting someone special and diving into another long term relationship again - the fear of an ever increasing "magic number" (you know what I mean...), and the fear of catching something (I made that mistake with a very horny, but dirty biker man a few years ago and have learnt my lesson from that for sure!) Perhaps I just need to get rid of these demons and bite the bullet, otherwise I'd probably never have any fun!

However, all these options have one key limiting factor above all others - I don't fancy anyone! When am I going to get out of this attraction drought, and why am I stuck in it in the first place?

There's only one thing I can think of. Perhaps I'm not over O. It took me ages to go from "single but unavailable" to "single and available", or so I thought. Perhaps I'm still the former? Which sucks. I don't want to feel that way about O anymore.

So, looks like I'll be stuck in the drought for a while. On the flipside, whilst O is (according to friends), nocturnal (after all, he was the one who said he could happily be single for the rest of his life...), I'm getting out and about, meeting new people, doing new things, and generally having fun. And I guess a man, whatever I eventually decide I'm into (I have a list started already), will come along when he feels like it (and hopefully not three at once, like buses!) My female housemate, D, and I went out on a girl's night out last weekend, and in the many years of non-singledom, coupled with the fact that I usually go out with guys which prevents anyone from approaching me, the amount of attention we got was staggering! After tagging along with a stag do, I had my first snog of singledom. Even though I may have had my beer goggles on, I felt liberated, not guilty, (a bit tipsy), and happy.

Here's to more good fun times like this in my new life.

FPB

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I've been on holiday in my old hometown in Cornwall for the past few days, and had gone out for a couple of drinks with P, as I only see him when I come back to Cornwall. For those of you who know the Cornish folk, anything past the Tamar bridge is classed as "up north" or "abroad". And they're right - it's a completely different world down here. I deserted Cornwall a few years ago now to go to Uni, and it was the best decision I made. P, however, believes I have become snobby now that I'm earning my own money and living in a city where life moves faster than the horse and cart pace it moves at in Cornwall.

However, despite his stubborn ways, I respect P. Years ago, we used to date. I broke his heart, but that's forgotten history now. He's a good friend of mine.

So when he turned round to me and said I was boring (albeit a drunken comment), I was very dismayed, as I've been attempting to make new friends recently and this was an attribute that I did not wish to portray when attempting to do so. We may have been talking about alloy wheels on my little 1.2 litre Corsa at the time (him for them, I against), and he told me that his reason for calling me that was only because I do things by the book, but I was still offended.

There's another reason I got so cranky about his accusation. At work, there's two groups, one of which I'm in, which are so close to each other that they may as well be one giant group. I'm good friends with the boss of the group I'm not in. The other day, he asked me what my interests were. I came up with silence. I was so embarrassed! I do have many interests, they're just in the same difficult place I'm in at the moment. I love to cook, but have no one to cook for. I love to write, but haven't had much inspiration at the moment. I did Pilates and swam, but haven't been in the city long enough to find new classes. I love to shop, but in a working environment where women are rare, male workmates don't generally want to hear or talk about that during coffee time! So I sat there, mulling this over, whilst my boss friend was waiting patiently for an answer. In front of the majority of my workmates. I'm convinced they also think I'm boring now. And when making new friends, who wants to get to know a boring person?

Life's been tricky when it's come to friends recently. For anyone who has been in a long term relationship, you will know that the hardest thing about ending it is losing all your mutual friends. Although no sides were drawn in the ending of my relationship with O, the fact that most of the mutual friends we had had originated from him, coupled with the fact that they lived in the same city as him whilst I'd upped sticks and moved over an hour away meant that the person most likely to lose touch with them was me. It's been really hard, seeing as one of my best friends was O's housemate (another P), who I miss very much.

Don't get me wrong, I've made a ton of new acquaintances since the break up, which I'm hoping in time will become closer to me and become friends. There's my two new housemates, J (male) and D (female), and I'm bonding really well with D already (J's off seeing his many women - when I'm ready to date, I'll definitely be taking a leaf out of his book!) There's my workmates, who I'm determined to get to know a lot better. And then, there's the internet dating site... However, none of these friendships are stable and long term, and I'm really crying out for someone who I can depend and rely on.

Going back to J and D for example. I haven't had the best luck over the past year with housemates. My advice to anyone looking at a live-in landlady/landlord to live with is this: DON'T! It doesn't work at all. Both of my previous housemates were live-in landladies, only children, hadn't been to uni, and had inherited their house via rich relatives/parents. The first definitely had some form of OCD (the loo roll had to match the bathroom), the second was just plain crazy (I caught her using my razor once...yuk!) You get the idea. In the villages I lived in whilst living with these head cases, I quite happily found friends, who told me that they could not live with the housemate in question themselves for the same reasons I had come up with, but even so, a part of me will always think, "What if I was the problem, not them?" J and D have shown no signs of the crazy so far, but it's still a bit nervewracking. Plus, I keep asking D out to go for drinks, and I don't want to seem overly scarily keen, or that she's the only person I have to socialise with.

I need alternatives...such as my workmates. But this has proven difficult as well! I work in a male dominated environment - generally, I get on better with men, which is why I'm really happy that I'm bonding so quickly with D in my new house. However, the problem with male dominated environments is that either a) their girlfriends aren't nearly half as friendly, or b) they start to flirt with you. Even though it's unintentional, I believe that a tiny part of making friends with men is due to mutual attraction, even if it's small. I find that I go through a stage of attraction with most new male friends - it can range from a few days to a few weeks, but it's never long until it settles.

I met a great guy, S, on a graduate programme we were doing together. He had a fiancee, who he clearly loved to bits, and he couldn't stop talking about her. After the event, S and I stayed friends, and met up for lunch every so often. I'm older than him, and definitely a lot wiser, and liked giving him advice on life, the universe and everything! Unfortunately, S's fiancee did not see the same benefits to the friendship. After accusing me of breaking up with O to get with S (which hurt in itself), she obviously hates me. I've never met her. I had words with S, as I didn't want to be in that position, but he hasn't handled it well and been behind both of our backs in the process. So I've given up on that friendship. It's not worth causing trouble.

My closest friends at work are J, who's lovely (but again it's awkward asking him out for a drink to get to know him as he also has a long term girlfriend, and I don't want to go down that road again), A, who's great fun to hang out with (I've been having feelings I can't explain for him in recent weeks - more on that later!), and then there's the very gorgeous, but totally-not-right-for-me M (more on him tomorrow). I love hanging out with these guys when I get the chance, but I don't want my social life to depend entirely on work as well!

I don't really get why I feel this way. Throughout school, you made friends with people you met at school. Through Uni, you made friends with people at uni. So naturally by this theory, your next group of friends are likely to come through work. Why do I feel so awkward asking my workmates out for drinks? Why should it be a problem wanting to get to know them and their friends, so I can expand my friendship circle?

Also at work, there's my dear T. He's not in my department, but we've been friends since our interview days. We're becoming closer, and definitely moving towards the more stable friendship I'm looking for. However, his intentions have changed - he's started flirting with me. A lot. O used to accuse him of fancying me (although they never met). T is absolutely lovely, and a real gentleman, but as much as I have chewed over a relationship with him and how great it would be, I just can't bring myself to fancy him. I'm hoping that we move deep into the "Friend Zone" before the flirting becomes a real issue...

I made a real mistake throughout Uni - I got into a relationship too early on. I missed out on the major bonding which occurs through uni. When that relationship ended, I got into a new long term relationship with O. That left me with a total of two really close uni friends, the rest, yup, you guessed it, acquaintances. One is C, the other is (another..) T. Unfortunately, T and C are both talking about leaving the country for the land of the free, so I can kiss goodbye to keeping those friendships close within the next year or so. It's a shame - I love both of them to bits. I know all their tricks, and as far as male and female relationships go, our relationships are pure friendship. It's comforting.

So, onto Plan B. About a month ago, I joined an internet dating website, stating clearly I was only looking for friendship. Once I'd filtered out the weirdos, I met some fairly decent guys on there. I'm still chatting to them, and I have to admit, the site is kinda fun. I'm even thinking of meeting up with some of them. But then what happens if I introduce them to other friends? What am I going to say when I'm asked how we know each other? Don't get me wrong - I have no qualms against internet dating. I'm just worried (seemingly TOO worried) about what other people think. So I'd prefer to find the majority of my friends (and, eventually, dates as well) through a more conventional method...

University T swears by evening classes. Whilst crying on the phone to him the other night about my lack of stable friendships and my great deal of acquaintances, he told me this would be the untapped resource I was looking for.

So I've made a plan. To join as many evening classes as I can in the hope of finding new friends. It would also solve the "What are your interests" issue. I've googled and emailed Pilates classes, dance classes, art classes, yoga classes, and many more. I've also tapped the resource of extreme sports (surfing, snowboarding and skydiving), although the latter could be due to my fascination with the beautiful M at work.

Perhaps things aren't as bad as I think. Perhaps I'm overreacting to this, and in time, I'm going to be regretting having so many birthdays to remember. Looking back at what I've just written, I seem to be more worried about how people perceive my new friendships than whether they would make me happy. Alongside my plans to make new friends in the city, I've also got a bunch of acquaintances I knew in the city before I moved here. Uni T's brother lives in the city, which will be good, as when Uni T buggers off to America, I'll have a replacement! I also have a couple of female friends, both friends of friends from my last two houses. It's just waiting for these friendship foundations to blossom into proper relationships that's put me so on edge. I feel at the moment that I'm always the tagalong to other people's complete and happy social circles, always the one asking them to do things rather than the other way around, and that if I make one wrong move, the friendship will be so new to them that it will be easy for the other person to cut me out of their life flawlessly. I guess only time will tell. I'll keep on planting seeds for now.

Til next time,

FPB

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I'm the type who writes everything down. Whether it's a shopping list, what I have to do next week, or how I feel about certain situations, just give me a piece of paper and a pen, and I'll have written you an essay in a matter of seconds. I've attempted the odd novel and articles in the past, but I find that if I have the right inspiration, I can write about anything. And now seems to be a time of great inspiration...Perhaps I'm feeling a bit Bridget Jones, but I thought it would be fun to give blogging a go and see what I come up with, even if it's just for me to reminisce and laugh about in years to come.

My life is currently a bit of a mess after a completely fresh start in a new city. In July, I came out of a three year relationship, where the only thing I regret is not ending it sooner. I'd sacrificed a lot for this guy, and was completely in (blind) love with him. He didn't give a crap. When it came to being laid back, he was horizontal. One horrible holiday and weeks of making the toughest decision of my life later, it was over. So I upped sticks from the tiny, boring village (complete with horribly self-centred housemate) I'd moved to as a compromise between living near work and living near him, eradicating my 45 minute commute in the process, and moved back into a city to meet some new people and make some new friends.

I've been in the city for two weeks now and absolutely adore it! However, single life has so far proven to be extremely hard, from making new friends, to deciding what or who I'm looking for next. I'm going to be sharing all my deepest, darkest secrets on here, so I hope whoever reads this blog enjoys doing so, and can laugh and empathise with me where necessary.

So, here goes nothing. After the months I've just had, things can only get better from here...can't they?

Take care,

FPB

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